Living by the Light

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12

“Mommy, you have to leave the hall light on.”

“Yes Buddy, I will.”

“Because I have to sleep with me eyes open; looking at the light. If I don’t look at the light I get midnights (my four year old’s word for nightmares). I always have to look at the light.”

Like all children my little guy has had more than enough nightmares about monsters and sharks and whatever else that may threaten to eat him in the dark. What was once a peaceful drift into sleep has become a dreaded fight as repeated nightmares have tainted the lure of a restful slumber.

My son will position himself in his bed or wherever else he is sleeping to be facing the nearest light source and will not look away until sleep closes his eyelids. His longing for the security of the light can be satisfied by just having one small sliver shining through for him to keep his eyes on.

As I think about my own life, my fears and insecurities, I realize how similar I am to my little boy. I need something to be looking at, something that comforts and brings a promise of safety to me. And unlike my four year old's obsession with the light which cannot truly provide everything he needs, my light is an all-providing, life-shaping, comfort-bringing, freedom-bearing light.

It is the light of the gospel. The light of Christ.

A Light that has shown through the darkness of sin; saving me from destruction.

A Light that continues to shine at the right hand of God; interceding on my behalf.

A Light that resides in me; providing for my every need.

A Light that will never grow dim nor be extinguished; canceling all powers of darkness.

A Light that floods my dark and sinful heart with inexplicable grace that can never be snuffed no matter how nasty I've been.

If I dare to turn my eyes from the light of the gospel I fall into looking to myself or to the world for my comfort and encouragement. It’s when I think that something other than Christ can satisfy my needs that I fall into a slumber that only produces lies from the enemy.

When my eyes are not fixed on the light of the gospel my life is a constant evaluation of how I am doing, what I should be doing, why I’m not doing it, and what I could be doing right now instead of thinking about why I’m not doing what it is I think I should be doing. I drive myself crazy with my self.

Here’s the thing, the more I start to look away from the light the more my gaze is turned to myself. I start to look for evidence that I am good enough but all I find is a selfish, loveless being that can’t seem to ever get it right. Now lest you think that I am playing Eeyore let me say that I actually do have thoughts of my greatness and usefulness but since those thoughts come in the form of pride and boasting I’m back to wear I started from.

You may say that I have terrible self-esteem problems and that I don’t love myself enough but the truth of the matter is that I actually have quite a healthy view of myself. You see, I know the depths of my sin and unworthiness. I know that every effort that I make to please God or serve others is tainted with sin. And I also know that I have no need to despair over not being good or being able to approve of myself.

My esteem is not based on the good that I do or how much I love myself but rather what Christ has done for me and how much I am loved by Him.

My approval of myself is irrelevant.

Your approval of me is irrelevant.

I have only one verdict that has become who I am. It was declared on the cross a long, long time ago. Because of Christ's righteousness imparted to me on that day I am esteemed as His beloved daughter with whom He is well pleased. All other verdicts have been tossed aside and don’t have any effect on who I am as a person.

The more I steep myself in the gospel the more I find that the gospel of Christ is all that is needed to satisfy my every longing. His light supplies me with an all-encompassing view of where I stand in this world.

So as I look to the light, remembering who I am, I can live secure in His love for me. Knowing that I have nothing to fear, nothing to prove and nothing to lose I can close my eyes and find the rest that only He provides.

“I heard the voice of Jesus say, “I am this dark world’s light:

Look unto Me- thy morn shall rise, and all thy day be bright.”

I looked to Jesus, and I found in Him my Star, my Sun;

And in that light of life I’ll walk, till traveling days are done.”

Horatius Bonar, 1808-1889