Christ in the Chaos

The Masks We Wear

2012-01-30T19:12:00.000-08:00

I once had someone tell me that I should "fake it until I make it." I took those words to heart and flung myself into the art of mask wearing only to end up bound to legalism and fear. The Mask of Acceptability was only one of the many masks that I was proud to wear not realizing the implications that it had on the rest of the church body.

Steve Brown, in his wonderfully freeing book A Scandalous Freedom, encourages hisreaders to take off The Mask ofAcceptability.

“When the requirementfor acceptance in any particular group is to think certain thoughts, to act incertain ways, and to fit in certain molds-and we don’t think or act that way orfit the mold-we tend to fake it. We put on a mask that says, “I’m just likeyou. Now, will you please love me and accept me?” I can think of hardlyanything that will kill your joy and freedom more than wearing a mask geared toget others to accept you because you are acting like them.

Allow me to let you inon a secret: Nobody fits the mold, and most of us wear the mask to cause othersto think we do. The greatest tragedy of the church is that, in many cases, themost dishonest hour of the week is the hour we spend at church."

My friends, let's take off our masks of acceptability, get real and be free in Christ. We are doing a great disservice to ourselves and to one another when we pretend that we are something other than sinful moms who need Jesus and each other. Let's allow each other to be free! [1]

What masks do you see yourself wearing?

[1]Steve Brown A Scandalous Freedom(Howard Books, 2004),108

Dear Discouraged Moms,

2012-01-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

I have heard that you are struggling to fight the funk that has found it's way to your doorstep, into your home and has met you lying in your bed paralyzed by the thought of facing the day. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and can say that I can relate in every way.

There are days that I feel like my life as a mom is only an opportunity for failure. I long for peace from my kids so that I am not faced with the challenge of discipline yet I don't seem to ever come by it. I know what you are feeling when you say that you sometimes liken them to Piranhas and don't want to leave your room for fear of being attacked.

I imagine that most people you have heard from have offered advice. I have probably heard the same things myself in times of despair. Maybe you've been told that you must not be having faithful quiet times. Maybe you've been told to have a stricter schedule so that you always know what to do next. Oh and my favorite has always been, "Get some rest!" I'm not sure about you but not one of these remedies has ever pulled me from the pit. Are they good? Of course! But never the solution.

I hesitate to offer my advice but I feel that maybe you have not heard from anyone else what I am about to say. I write what I know as a desperate, broken mom who has found freedom in her beautiful, soul satisfying Redeemer and who wants you to find that freedom too. So may I?

In all the times that I have found myself in a funk that I can't debunk it has come from an obvious source; my incessant inability to believe that God is as good as He says He is.

I have spun my wheels going nowhere but further into the ground by trying hard to gain an acceptance that Jesus Christ has already earned for me. I convince myself that there is something more that I must do even though Christ is calling out for me to rest.

I fall into the trap of thinking that "IT IS FINISHED" was only about the end to Christ's suffering on the cross and not about the work that was completed on my behalf. So I toil and I worry about whether I'm doing enough to be called His beautiful daughter.

Continual thinking that I must do more and be better only produces two reactions in my heart and both are sinful. Either I fail at the work that I am trying so hard to produce and fall into despair or I triumphantly succeed and fall into pride. The pendulum of works swings wildly back and forth in my heart until I look to the cross to pin it down.

It's when the pendulum stops that I see how Christ's incarnation, sinless life, death and resurrection were so carefully executed on my behalf so that God in all of His blinding holiness could turn His face towards me. It's when I see the beauty of being hidden in the Cleft of the rock as protection, rest and comfort that I stop fretting. I am His.

This life that you are in dear friend is not your life. If Christ is your redeemer then your life is in Him. It is not what you do that makes you His beautiful daughter with whom He is well pleased. It is the fact that your life is Christ's life; Christ's life is your life. You have died and are now one with Him and that cannot be revoked. He is your new life. He is with you in your funk. He is praying for you, loving you and presenting you spotless and righteous before His Father.

Please stop believing the lies that others are telling you that you must work your way into His presence. Stop believing that you must work to keep your status. Stop believing that the work you do today; wiping faces, bottoms and floors must be done perfectly to keep His love. Dare to believe right now that nothing that you do today whether good or bad, or the attitude you have today joyful or resentful, will change the way the Father loves you. Rejoice in His outrageous grace!

And with only having said an ounce of what I think you should hear I pray that your hearts would be comforted by the gospel. Go now...rest in His finished work and believe that God really is as good as He says He is.

Love,
A mom that cares

Moving Out Of Funky Town

2012-01-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

My heart has been living in the slum of Funky Town.

I look at my house and wonder why I can't keep up. I vow to do better tomorrow.

The giant Wrestle Mania sticker remains stuck to the wood floor. Not quite my decorating style, but seeing it there exhausts me. I know it's going to take time and energy to get that up. I tell myself I shouldn't be so lazy.

I go to bed exhausted and overwhelmed and wake up in the morning no different.

I scold myself when I see Justin digging in the dryer for underwear. I must do better. If only I would take better care of him. I tell myself to be a better wife.

I am worn down by the ever changing needs of my kids. Grace for them is hard to find and I want to ignore their needs. I tell myself to be a better mom.

I'm spinning my wheels.

Eat better.
Sleep better.
Clean better.
Love better.
Do better.

This becomes my mantra throughout the day.

Where is my freedom?

Freedom from having to earn my way. Freedom from the need for spotless perfection.

Why must I put myself in this prison again? Why am I trying to earn a freedom that I already have? Have I forgotten who I am?

I am living as though my salvation lies within. As though if I can just "do better" then I will gain the stamp of approval.

And then someone brings me the gospel.

I hear the words of Jesus' incarnation, sinless life, death and resurrection. For me; all for me!

Had I been able to be the wife, mom or person that I desire to be Jesus would have died in vain (Galatians 5:21).

My hope in myself fades and I face my day in a different light. The spotlight that I put myself in is turned to Jesus. My joy begins to return and rest comes quickly.

It has been done. There is no need for my perfection, I can stop trying to attain it. I rest in His completeness.

Telling myself to "do better" one thousand times a day is no more than a ploy of guilt to get my act together.

My act is already together.
I've been called righteous.
I am free from the voice of condemnation that demands my perfection.

In the midst of the chaos I find Him. Leading me, loving me and whispering His promise of "It is Finished" in my ear.

It's time to move on, pack my bags and move out of Funky Town.

I am ready for a day with much work to be done. Ready for a day that no longer seems impossible.

I am free.

Your turn:

How do you get out of funky town? What changes your heart when you get the "do better" blues?

photo credit

Christ in a Motor Home

2012-01-09T20:44:00.001-08:00

As our family travels up the great state of California motor home style, involuntarily taking in the smell of cows, onions and whatever else it is that they farm in the central valley, we have grown. Grown Rather grumpy, impatient and selfish that is. Cramming the six of us and a dog together for hours on end sure brings out the yuck.

As I write I have a six year old singing in my ear. Literally in my ear! And when she's not singing she's whining about how she doesn't like the movie and when she isn't whining she is making grunting noises or talking to herself. That's how she rolls. She wants to be heard. Always.

From the back comes the complaining of my four year old because he wants to unbuckle to get a toy just like his sister just did.

The dog is eating the dropped snacks off the floor and someone keeps yelling, "I can't see!" Oh and I can't forget my oldest child who is freaked out about the whole traveling in a motor home thing. Anxious about every noise and bump and intolerant of us all.

But we're making memories y'all (no I'm not from Texas, I've just always wanted to say that).

I look over at Justin who's been so quiet knowing that he is struggling with patience and holding his tongue unlike me. I say something along the lines of, "NEVER AGAIN." He smiles knowing that I don't really mean It.

It's always on these trips that my attitude falls into a sink hole and I decide that our family needs to make some major changes. It's when I decide that we must be the biggest sack of complaining losers this side of the Mississippi. It's when I try to play the role of the Holy Spirit.

So as I feel the need to correct every comment, every intolerant sigh, every complaint over someone touching someone else I become exhausted. I forget to rest. I forget that I am not in control.

I forget about the outrageous grace that is given to this family of six.

It's in these moments when our hearts are being pushed, punched and twisted by the temptation to look only to ourselves that I am reminded of His grace. He never tells me that this is the last trip He'll take me on. He doesn't look at me in exhaustion saying, "Never Again". He doesn't throw his hands up and declare that He can't take it anymore.

No, He simply washes my feet over and over again.

And when I think of my beautiful Savior, a King worthy of all praise on His knees washing the filth from this impatient, irritated mom I can't help but want to do the same for the little girl who's feet keep migrating to the back of my head. Ew!

My desire to say "No" to my flesh and "Yes" to the Spirit increases, not by trying to be a better mom but by remembering His perfect love for this imperfect family.

How to Keep a New Year's Resolution

2011-12-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

As I get to the end of this year and read the world's lists of resolutions I can't help but feel like a bit of a loser because I just don't seem to care.

I have no interest in trying harder in 2012. I have no desire to write out a list of what I want to do better this year.

Of course there are things I want to accomplish including writing a book and homeschooling my fifth grader without killing myself. I'm confident that I will accomplish these goals because I am pretty certain that God has called me to do them and He will be faithful in helping me. But really there's just no desire here for much else.

Sure I think it would be great if this was the year that I got in shape or made it past Numbers in my Bible reading plan. But I highly doubt that writing these things down on a list again will get me any further than it has in the previous years.

So what do you think? Am I a loser because I lack motivation to better myself? Is my negativity bringing you down?

I use the words loser and negative because that's what the world would call me but in reality I have much more hope for myself than that. Some may be thinking that with an attitude like mine I will never change or better myself. I'll never grow past where I am in life.

But honestly in all of my list making experience I've never seen much change by trying harder to do better. Oh sure it lasts for a while like everyone else. I hit the gym the first few weeks in January only to end up back on the couch. I say no to the sugar and caffeine only to end up in the Starbucks drive-thru with a vente frappawhatever after I've been up all night with a sick kid. I sleep through the 5:00am alarm to get up and pray because my insomnia gets the best of me. Whether its feeling as if I've failed or feeling proud and self-righteous because I've succeeded, my heart remains unchanged.

But like I said, I have hope. I know that I will change this year. I know that I am growing and being sanctified daily because that is what He has promised me. Even in the years that I had completely given up on life He was kind to change me.

I can rest knowing that I don't have to earn my way into God's favor in 2012 because I cannot gain or lose ground with God. Failures, successes, whatever comes my way I will remain in His love and His face will never turn away from me. I am His beloved daughter.

There is a list that's already been written. It has spelled out every good and perfect thing that I must do to be acceptable. It's like the New Year's Resolution List Extraordinaire. I look at it and I'm crushed. Love your neighbor, do not be jealous, love God with all your heart it goes on and on. I can't even begin to do these things well; I've failed before I have even started.

There is One and only One who has kept the list of perfection. Jesus never had to make a single New Year's resolution. He never had to try harder to be a better person; to sin less and love more. But at the cross He chose to take my identity as one who can never get it right no matter how many years I put it on a list and in exchange He gave me His identity of the perfect list keeper.

I don't have to make a do better list. I don't have to look inward and find the courage to love myself more. I don't have to put post-it notes around the house reminding myself of the promises I have made to be a better person. I have Christ who has set me free from the need of constant self-improvement. It is Christ who will work in me to complete a good work this year.

And if I don't get any better this year He will love me the same as He did yesterday, today and forever.

My list has been completed. He Has torn it up, thrown it in the fire and dared me to be free.

Now where's that protein shake?!

photo curtousey of Flood

His Story

2011-12-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

Last night ended in tears.

Yes, many an evening has had me in tears…tears of frustration, tears of pain, or tears of sheer exhaustion. These weren’t the hot tears of anger nor the free flowing tears of sadness. These tears were ones that have dripped into my heart carving out a special spot to always be remembered.

As I lay on the couch in exhaustion, watching TV and reading my emails I became overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by how completely and utterly I am loved by my Savior. A Savior that has given me His story to tell, something to live for, something to hold on to.

I had the opportunity to share with the women from my church this past weekend something that I never thought I had until recently, a testimony. As I stood in front of eighty women and my pastor...

Can't wait to hear what happens next? Finish reading my guest post over at (in)courage.

When I Think I'm Better Than You

2011-12-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

I stood in line at the drugstore. Cheap wine and a bottle of tums in my left hand, the arm of a floppy four year old who would not stay upright in the other. Not quite feeling put together like the person that my self-righteousness has carried into that same store many times before. I felt just as weak as the lady in front of me who was buying six packs of her favorite cigarettes and some breath spray. Just as weak as the man behind me waiting to pay for his antidepressant and whiskey.

Maybe this isn't how you'd picture this lover of Christ. Nothing about me shouted believer in the store that day.

Nothing.

Maybe that's good.

As I stood there in line I was tempted to wonder how I looked to those around me. After all, if I was standing in line at a homeschool conference, private school spelling bee or women's ministry event; unshowered annoyed and grasping a bottle of wine while impatiently pulling my four year old up off the floor by his arm, I would certainly not have impressed anyone.

Real never impresses.

Nobody knew my story and frankly nobody cared. The wine; bought to replace the one that fell out of the back of my car and smashed in the grocery store parking lot early that week. The kid; a late night party and early morning left him obedience impaired as his body became a wet noodle in exhaustion. But like I said, no one cared.

Except for maybe me.

Maybe just a little.

Perhaps my own self-righteousness was once again wanting those around me to think I was better than them. In my heart of hearts I was truly ashamed that I didn't appear any different. How's that for being honest?

You see, I still feel that obligation to impress. We all do, but as Christians we falsely believe that we are impressing others when they notice our behavior. We somehow relate our manners and politeness to the amount of godliness within us. We tell our children things like, "Using our manners shows others that we love Jesus." or "They will know we are Christians by our cheerful attitude." We believe that if we dress nicely and don't dye our hair purple then we are somehow more righteous than the rest.

What about the atheistic, humanitarian family that has taught their children to be just as cheerful and well mannered and that they should love others too. There's plenty of polite people out there that don't love Jesus.

While this is not meant to be a post about politeness or parenting it goes to say that there is a disconnect in our hearts between the things that we do and the God that we love. I love my God and one of the reasons that I am free today is that I understand that I will not always be a picture perfect representative.

I am a real person with real needs and real weaknesses just like the people I stand in line with. I don't know their hearts but I do know mine. It is a weak and sinful heart unworthy of the status that He has given me. Yet He loves me in my weakness, He desires me when I look down on others and fight to push my way to the top. He gets me when I say "I'm better than you." I am His, covered in His blood, wrapped in a robe of His righteousness.

And when I think I should look, smell or smile differently than I do He reminds me that He has made the only impression that matters. And that final impression was made for me, becoming mine.

Because of Christ...I have no need to impress.

The Gospel for the Good Mom

2011-12-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

I hate that I can't sleep. I'm tired of watching reruns of The Office. I was tired when I went to bed. Dead tired like every other night. But once the lights are off my mind is on, ready to make big out of what is little.

I replay the stupid question that I asked that was never answered and wonder what others thought. I remember that the kids' lunches aren't packed and that my mom is sick. I hate my apathy for buying Christmas gifts and wonder why I find gift giving such a bother. But even more, I hate my newly discovered cynicism. I barely know what that means but after looking up the definition on Wikipedia I think that God might just be right about me.

I wonder if I'm well liked, I wonder if what I wrote or said today offended or impressed. I'm obsessed with myself when the lights go out. Obsessed with wanting approval so that I can sleep peacefully. If everyone is happy with me; my husband has his needs met, the kids are content, then I can rest.

But is that really it? Is my sleep contingent on how I am esteemed? Better yet is my happiness dependent upon others approval?

My desire to be good hunts me down and finds me lying awake at night. Good inasmuch as my identity. "Good Wife", "Good Friend", "Good Mom", "Good Writer", "Good Daughter", "Good Christian" good, good, good.

And when I can't prove myself worthy of these titles I scramble. I get to work trying to find ways to approve of myself, to earn my standing. But this all seems a bit far from the gospel if you ask me. Is good really what I need to be?

What happened to my true identity? Do I hang that on the back of the bathroom door before I climb into bed? Does my memory fade in the horizontal position?

I find myself wondering who I am, scheming to be better in the morning and then I stop. I am drawn to prayer. Asking Him to remind me of who I really am. I'm not going to wake up in the morning as "Mom Extraordinaire" my husband will have no reason to bow down to a "Wife Above Rubies" I will not have published a book in my sleep becoming an "Influential Writer".

No. I will wake up as me. A "Sinful and Flawed yet Loved and Welcomed, Righteous Daughter." A title that cannot be stripped, destroyed or forfeited. A title that needs no living up to. One that cannot be gained or lost in the midst of a sleepless night. I am His and He keeps me. I cannot be unredeemed.

I need no other approval then that of the only One who's approval matters. And that approval I have a gazillion times over. I need not be esteemed by anyone but the one who has diligently pursued me since the dawn of time. In His love I remain forever and always not because I have done good, not because I am doing good and not because I will be good but only because He is good.

Good when He came to earth, was born and placed in a manger.

Good when He lived sinless, perfectly loving those who hated Him.

Good when He was mocked and spit upon.

Good when the scourging He endured ripped into His flesh exposing His true human state. A body that He suffered in for me.

Good when spikes were driven through His flesh, muscles, tendons and joints to secure Him to the beam of His death.

Good when the sky turned dark. Pitch black. Forsaken, bearing the weight of my sins.

Good when in the darkness He suffered the agony of being separated from the perfect and complete union with the Father.

Good when He rejoiced in His suffering, knowing it was right for our sake.

Good when He called us His brothers and sisters.

Good when it began.

Good when it was finished.

And He continues to be good. Calling us righteous, serving us through the Spirit. Interceding on our behalf.

Lying awake at night, trying to prove myself as good melts away in comparison to this. No, I'm not good. No, I don't need to be good. There is only One who is truly good so that I don't have to be. And now I am free to sleep knowing His goodness is mine and will always be.

Grace for "One of Those Days"

2011-12-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

This morning I was met with "one of those days".

One of those days that the tears sit in the gutter along your lower lid waiting for a blink to push them out. One of those days that you rack your brain to find an explanation for your urge to fall apart. A continual holding it together hoping to avoid a trigger because if you cry you can't say why. You know...just one of those days.

It's a day where I feel confined when I'm really not. The pain in my back keeps me from from doing as I wish and even doing as I need. My little buddy can't understand why I don't want to push him on the swing and he doesn't want to watch as much TV as I need him to. He asks why we are doing preschool from the couch again.

It's one of those days that I have learned to stop asking "why?" A day that I learn that we will indeed survive if no one does the dishes and the laundry waits. It's a day that I learn patience, give up the guilt and wait. A day to listen, a day to petition. Not a day to figure it all out.

These are the days that His promises become real. This is the time that I am grateful to have read Luther and gained the freedom to rest. The time to say "no" to the law that heaps on guilt and "yes" to the grace that sustains me. This is when I call upon what I have learned about my justification, sanctification and my identity as His daughter. It's when theology is lived out and why I'm glad it's in my heart. If it depended on me to "work for God" today, oh what guilt would await me.

This is a day that the gospel of grace tells me that I am still loved and accepted even when I don't live up to the demands of the day. This is when just being His daughter, resting my head on His chest and waiting it out brings me close to Him.

These are the days when my couch becomes an alter of praise.

The Gospel for the Grumpy Mom

2011-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's always hard coming back to a house full of kids after being away serving myself for three days. I love my kids, miss them while I'm gone, and thoroughly enjoy every moment of freedom that I have when I'm not with them.

Therefore, coming home is always an adjustment.

As Justin and I traveled home from an amazing three days of rest we received a phone call from the in-laws. The amazing in-laws that agreed to stay with the kids one more night so that we could extend our trip, the amazing in-laws that had all of our laundry done and house cleaned when we returned. I was glad to know that the string of uh-ohs I overheard Justin repeating were not because a child had broken something or someone but rather our suburban had broken down. But none the less this was a big uh-oh.

After returning home I spent the morning on the phone and met a tow truck, talked to the mechanic and retrieved forgotten car seats. Quite the contrast to my weekend. My four year old finally had enough of my neglect and made sure that I knew it.

I was exhausted, disappointed and just plain grumpy.

My grumpiness followed me to bed that night along with my old friend guilt. The list of "should haves" ran through my head waking me up the next morning. By then I had just decided that it wasn't possible for me to live with my children without being grumpy. I had given in to the lie that grumpy is who I am and that's who I will always be.

I was mean to them getting out the door, blaming it on the stress of having my parents flying in that morning, blaming it on their foot dragging and complaining.

Arriving at school I asked for the forgiveness of my all too frequent morning grumpiness and it was met with the usual forgiving smiles of their sweet faces. That's when it changed. That's when I started to smell the smoke of the lie I had been living in.

Sitting in the car wash annoyed with my four year old, Christ reminded me of who I Am. I am His. He loves me in my grumpiness. He adores me when I am unlovely. He sings over me when I am miles away from praising Him.

Through Him I have been made righteous.

I'm not grumpy. That's not who I am. I am loved, redeemed and forgiven. My identity is not in what my attitude is and whether I am remembering to be thankful. It's Christ that defines me. It's His forgiveness, acceptance and love that I am called to live in.

And do you know what happens when I think on these things? My heart softens and thankfulness replaces complaining. I repent and draw close to the one that I was ignoring thinking He was disappointed. I soften toward my children. I look forward to seeing my parents.

My grumpiness can't help but melt away as I think about how much I have been loved.

It's His love that breaks me from my cycle of self-pity. It's His love that gives me the power not to be grumpy. To know that I can never disappoint Him, to know that my attitude hasn't pushed Him away is the one and only thing that will get me home with a smile.

Love Pursues

2011-11-23T11:44:00.000-08:00

As I bustle about my day, baking pies, smashing sweet potatoes and enjoying my parents' company a friend is in Uganda fighting to bring home her little girl.

After being in Uganda for seven long weeks pursuing the little girl that she loves my friend is told that the United States will not grant her a VISA.

We need to pray!

My friend has pursued this little girl, she has done everything she can for her, she desires her, loves her and calls her daughter. She longs to bring her home into her family. Her brothers and sisters long to share what they have been given with her. A beautiful picture of what Christ has done for us.

He pursues,

Never gives up,

Calls us His own and brings us into His family, lavishing us with all that is His.

Please, please pray for this family. They long to bring her home and give her all that is theirs. Please pray that the Lord would move quickly. And if you have prayed will you please share?

Failure, Fear and Freedom

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

This week I am happy to present to you a guest post from Amy Kannel. Please go visit Amy at her blog Lavender *Sparkles* and say "Hi." Thanks for sharing with us Amy!

Motherhood has laid me low like nothing else.

Over the last four years, God has used two precious little boys to humble me to the dust, to expose just how "false and full of sin I am," just how inadequate and helpless and dependent I am, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. I have, to be totally honest, hated it at times for that very reason. I don't like being brought face to face with the reality of what a mess I am, what a failure I am and how totally I screw up all the time.

And if I don’t like knowing how far I fall short, I certainly don’t like for others to know it. I want to be the mom people admire; I want to have the kids everyone finds delightful. Instead, those around me see me fumbling and stumbling, no more awesome in this parenting gig than I was four years ago when I held a tiny newborn and wondered, “What have we done?”

So when I am full of despair at how little I have grown and changed in the last four years…when I am embarrassed by my children’s behavior or fearful of how other moms are judging me…I have only one place to go.

“In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge” (Proverbs 14:26).

When I look to God alone in reverence and awe—when I believe that His judgment, His truth alone is authoritative, and no one else’s opinion matters—when I find my identity and status and worth in Him alone—then I can have strong confidence. Not confidence in myself or in my ability or methods, but confidence in His mercy and grace, in His love for me as His daughter, in His acceptance and approval of me because of Jesus, in His promises to give me all that I need and to complete the good work He began in me.

To fear man in my parenting, to obsess over the opinions of others, will only bring grief and pain to my children. It will cause me to act not out of my convictions about what is best for them, but out of what will make me look good to those watching. It will cause me to resent my boys when they make me look bad, and to respond to them with anger and frustration instead of patience and compassion and gentleness. It will burden them with the crushing weight of my reputation, my identity, my happiness—burdens they were never meant to bear.

But if I will fear the LORD instead, I can give my children a refuge instead of a burden. I can show them the joy and freedom and rest that come with living for God rather than living for the approval and acceptance of fallible men. I can love them unconditionally, in the midst of their misbehavior and sinful hearts, because that's how He loves me. I can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that my standing before Him does not depend on how my children act. I can extend to them the mercy and patience and compassion that He extends to me. I can lead them to the cross, where we both can find help and hope as desperate sinners in need of grace for forgiveness and transformation. And they can learn that if you place your hope and trust in the loving, wise, sovereign God who plans all things for good, you have nothing to fear.

Bad is Better

2011-11-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

As I promised, here is a fabulous guest post by Brenda Jung. Brenda's authenticity and understanding of God's outrageous grace for sinners makes her blog OPEN KIMONO a must read. Go on over, look around and make sure to say "HI!"

Bad is Better.

If you are willing to be a “bad” Christian, you are ready to be a true Christian. If you insist on being a “good Christian,” you will never get on your way to experiencing a real life of faith. The pursuit to be a good Christian is an illegitimate quest. You must be a bad Christian or no Christian at all.

“All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away” (Isaiah 64:6).

When we set out to follow Christ, sometimes we expect to look like a champion marathoner. We envision ourselves running steadily on a dirt path through a beautiful amber canyon at dawn, a bird chirping while a gentle wind conveniently nudges us forward. But as many of us have already experienced, there is a gap between the ideal and the actual—between fantasy Christianity and real Christianity. Instead of running like Olympian Florence Griffith-Joyner (“Flo-Jo”), we run like a college freshman making a mad dash for the campus shuttle that is pulling away from the curb. Complete with spilled coffee on our shirt, heavy backpack slugged over one shoulder and arms flailing, we yell, “Wait!”

And we wonder: Am I going to be a rookie-Christian forever?

The short answer is: Yes. When we recognize Jesus Christ as the only "expert" Christian, we will realize that even the best we can offer is not so hot. Nobody has it together. Not Billy Graham, not Charles Spurgeon, not R.C. Sproul, not even Mr. Mere Christianity himself, C.S. Lewis. Only Jesus had it together. No believer will ever "arrive" at the apex of discipleship; only Jesus arrived. On the spectrum of Christ-likeness, every one of us will (for the rest of our lives) have to settle somewhere in between total success and total failure.

I find being a rookie-Christian repulsive, and yet...strangely attractive. Rookies are amateurs. Goof-ups. Immature and inexperienced. These are not words I would choose to describe the kind of person I aspire to be. In fact, these are words I would use to describe a “bad Christian.” There is nothing initially appealing about being a rookie; that is, until you consider the qualifications required to be a "good Christian.” Think of it. To be considered a good Christian, you’d have to think all the right thoughts, say all the right words, do all the right things and have all the right motivations—all the time. Basically, you'd have to be Jesus. If that attempt isn’t a slow and painful death, then I don’t know what is! And yet, so often I place this heavy yoke of being a good Christian on myself. So often, in my efforts to be a faithful, worthy disciple, I end up killing myself. Because in order to be good, holy, upright and blameless, I have to resist my humanity, deny my limitations and suppress my fears. On top of that, I have to feed a secret desire to be like God. Having it "together" comes at a high—yes, impossible, price.

God loves rookies. God loves those who stumble toward Him. The beauty of the Gospel is this: We do not have to be Jesus. But we do have to be His disciples: imperfect, fallible, selfish and sinful, yet deeply loved, always accepted and ever changing to be more like Christ. We do not have to get over our weaknesses; we only have to get used to them. A pastor once said, “We live and minister out of weakness.” Every time I remember this, I breathe a sigh of relief. Christian growth is not turning every one of our weaknesses into strengths, but learning how to live with our weaknesses, and even with some of our sins. If we want to be a real Christian, we must learn how to be a weak person: dependent as a branch, malleable as a heap of clay, needy as a baby. When we realize that we bring nothing to our relationship with God except a broken heart and contrite spirit, it is then we will experience God’s grace to be sufficient, and God’s love to be unfailing. Paul understood this, saying, “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10, emphasis added).

We should be grateful that God never asks us to "get it together." He only asks us to admit our need for the One who had it together and allow Him to represent and change us. Believe it or not, God is content with our needs and our shortcomings. He proved this by choosing to die for us when we were in our worst (but also our truest) condition—while we were sinners. Chances are, you are still a sinner.

And the last time I checked, I'm still one, too.

Gospel Gatherings

2011-11-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday everyone!

I just thought I'd throw together some gospel centered, grace filled resources that have encouraged me this week. I hope you are as encouraged as well.

*If you haven't heard, Tullian Tchividjian's new book Jesus + Nothing = Everything was released this week. Go get yourself a copy and be soaked in God's ever welcoming love for you.

*Steve Brown always has it going on over at keylife.org. I love listening to his podcasts in the car and my kids are quite fond of his voice and his stories. I've been especially blessed by his Scandalous Freedom series and I know you will be too.

*Brenda over at OPEN KIMONO will be guest blogging for us next week. Look for her great post Bad is Better here on Monday morning. And while you are waiting go visit her blog for other great posts.

Now it's your turn. What have you read, watched, or listen to this week that have encouraged you to find Christ in the chaos of your week?

Giving Up and the Gospel

2011-10-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

Found this on my camera from the pumpkin patch...pretty much somes up my week.

I gave up today.

I didn't want to do it anymore.
You know, the whole Christian walk thing. Trying to be a good mom, trying to do it all well.

Maybe it was the emotions of having watched my husband being taken away in an ambulance last night. After all, watching the one you love the most swell up before your eyes is an alarming experience.

Things like that hit you the next day; realizing that without medical care you would have lost him.

Maybe I used the stress and the tiredness of the night as an excuse.

Or maybe the unexpected night away with my husband was the cherry on top of my week of defeat. Not quite what I had in mind when I said we needed to get away together soon.

The trip to the pumpkin patch seems fun until your child spits in the mouth of your sweet friend's boy and you become angry and harsh.

All is good until your child yells at the same sweet friend's daughter and you become angry and harsh.

Then you run over her gate with your car as you are leaving, feeling like a wrecking crew and wondering why she puts up with you.

Your at a breaking point. Your sin consumes you. You want to give up.

You've spent the week in exhaustion; over committed, under organized and wondering why you can't do "it" right like other people. Whatever "it" is.

You've been ungracious, unloving and unkind most of your waking hours. Your husband disagrees but you know the gutter your heart has been in.

I know I'm not supposed to give up. I'm supposed to "fight the good fight", "run the race" and know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

But GLORY!

How's a girl supposed to do it?! Laundry, cooking, driving, teaching, sex, dishes, writing, listening, encouraging, being nice. It all seems so big when you've been up all night. Am I right?

So I give up.

There's Something to be said for giving up. Something that others won't say.

Preaching a try harder/do better self sermon is not the remedy. I know, I know...where's the positive thinking? Where's my "can do" American spirit? Well, it's at the bottom of the dumpster hanging out with all of the other worldly advice that I have adopted as a Christian.
The stuff that I've since thrown away.
Adding only drives me to pride or despair.

I'm over it.

You see, it's not until I give up my efforts to do this christian life right that I break and see the glory of Christ.

So I give up doing and remember what's been done.

I give up working and start resting.

I give up comparing and start being.

I give up pretending and start living.

And then it comes to me, He has been rejoicing over me all week! He's been loving me when I haven't loved others, he's been singing over me when I've been harsh, He has adored me when I haven't been adorable. All of this brings me to my knees. Amazed at His relentless grace. A grace that increases in my weakness.

A grace that increased after doing it right for this sinner.

A grace that showered me after dying a death to make me acceptable.

And a grace that remains after ascending; loving to love me, as if the first two were not enough.

In all of my sin and weakness this week I've remained in Gods favor. I don't have to make any payment for my mistakes.

I am covered.

And when I think about this...the shedding of blood, the forgiveness and righteousness given to me as an act of grace and mercy, I fly to Him. His kindness leads me to repentance and calls me into obedience.

Grace, grace, God's grace.

Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Irresistable Motherhood or Irresistable Grace?

2011-10-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

I just yelled at my little boy.

On the driveway.

In front of all the kids.

Strawberries covered the gravel and my little girl had just finished picking up the box of cherry tomatoes that she had dropped.

I didn't wait for the whole story, I just knew that they had argued over who was going to carry them in and there were strawberries everywhere. So I blew. I gave into sin and chose to belittle my boy and make sure he knew I was disappointed. He cried and I walked away.

Great mothering.

I have an extra kid this week. She's the one who kept saying that after being in our home she no longer wanted to be the mother of four kids, until I told her to stop. She hasn't said it while staying with us this time...yet.

So all in all I haven't really made motherhood irresistible to this little girl or to my own girls for that matter.

But wait, I didn't realize I was supposed to. I didn't know that I was supposed to make it look breezy and delightful even when it's not. I was just being a mother. One who loves her children, no doubt.

Let me tell you something, I HATE my sin. I hate when I choose to disobey. I hate when I hurt my children with my words.

Is it really up to me to make sure these girls desire children of their own by my outstanding performance? Does that really lay on my shoulders? Because if it does its awfully heavy; awfully oppressive and guilt inducing.

Now if you ask some they may tell you that yes indeed it does. Maybe not directly but I know, I've read it.

I love my girls. I desire the best for them but reality is that they have a sinful mom in constant need of a Savior. Yes, there are days that I may look like an old worn out goat because mothering is hard...life is hard. It's on those days that I ask my girls to pray for me. I sin against them and then repent asking for forgiveness and telling them about the ridiculous grace that God provides for me when I don't find joy in my calling that they see His grace is irresistible.

It's Christ that I want them to see. Not a mommy that does everything with a smile and never complains. That would be lying.

I'm finding that the more I am living in the gospel of His grace the quicker I am to run to my kids and ask for forgiveness. Just like I did minutes after the strawberry incident. The more I am resting in His grace for me the more I want to tell them how wonderful of a Savior that I have. One that loves this mommy that sins.

My friends, it's Christ and Christ alone that is to be made irresistible in our home and the only way to do that is by pointing our girls towards His irresistible grace, not to our own irresistible mothering.

And them desiring children? I'll let the holy spirit take care of that when the time comes.

Free Parenting

2011-10-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Every day when we come home from school I let the kids end our twenty minute drive doing something that, quite honestly, has become so enjoyable for me that I don’t ever want them to stop. As soon as we hit the dirt road they start begging to unbuckle their seat belts. They can’t get out of those seats quick enough and scramble to get the windows rolled down. Then they take their positions and proceed to “hang” out the windows. I love to look in my rear view mirrors and see them in all of their glorious freedom. It truly highlights their day and mine as well.

I love the quarter mile of freedom to do something unusual, something exciting that feels a bit scandalous. I love that I am free to let them do it. I love to crank up the radio as we go and wave at my neighbors as Tom Petty escapes through our the windows.

But just yesterday the excitement of the freedom began to wane. The kids started leaning too far out the window and I had to start setting some boundaries to reign them in. “Both feet on the floor.” There, that will keep them grounded and make it so that they don’t get too free because too free is dangerous.

If I were free, I mean really free as a parent what would that look like?

Would it mean that when my six year old throws her daily fit in public that I wouldn’t look around to see who’s watching?

Would it mean that I wouldn’t get angry and shake my head when she says something mean and wonder if people know that I do indeed discipline her at home?

Would it mean that when I find out that my boy cries at school I don’t get embarrassed?

Would I not be distraught and wonder what I am doing wrong when I get a phone call from two different teachers on the same day?

Would I not feel the inkling of shame that I feel right now because I don’t home school and be worried about what you might think of me?

There are times that I feel free, and I mean completely free to be who I am in Christ. Fully hanging out the window with lips flapping in the wind, but when it comes to parenting I’m not there. I’ve still got two feet on the floor because I’ve been told that parenting in freedom is dangerous. It’s not safe and I could get hurt.

Now it’s good that I set boundaries to my children’s "hanging out the window of my car" freedom. I love them and want to keep them from dying young. But when it comes to spiritual freedom, the kind that I long for there is that voice, the one learned by other Christians that says “easy does it” or “I’m glad you are enjoying your freedom but make sure you keep two feet on the floor.”

My friends, this is not how it should be! Christ DIED so that we may be FREE!

Free to fail.

Free to let others fail.

Free to let others hang out the window without glancing down to see their foot placement.

Freedom is free and if we ever have to wonder if we are doing it right then we are not truly free. Right now I’m wondering. Wondering where my spiritual freedom intersects with my parenting freedom and praying that someday I will be truly free.

What would you do with freedom if you truly had it?

Tell Me What's Been Done!

2011-10-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

A Prayer Amidst the Chaos

2011-10-09T13:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

You alone our worthy of our praise.

You alone know the chaos of our lives. You have planned and reside in every detail of our day.

You have not left us to ourselves and you continue to guide us and protect us through your Holy Spirit.

It is of no good works that we can be made righteous, but you Lord have covered us in your righteousness through the gift of your mercy.

You Christ, came and lived perfectly among the chaos because you knew that we could not.

You suffered the persecution, trial, beating, and shame of the bloody cross for us. It was our sin that was layed upon you as you bore the wrath that we so deserved.

And it was you that was resurrected, ascending to be with your Father and gifting us with the Holy Spirit who guides us and leads us so that we are not alone in our chaos.

Thank you lord for the grace that you so freely bestow on us throughout our days and may we see you in what we call chaos but you call planned. For we know that you are working for the good of us that love you.

May we find you in our chaos today.

The Final Three

2011-10-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHH!!! This is so hard! Thank you so much for your suggestions. I loved them all but obviously can't choose them all. One of my deciding factors was to google the name to see if there are any other blogs with the same name. And then there was that one smarty who thought I should call it: I Love My Husband So Much or God is so Good...To Give Me Such a Husband. I wonder who that could have been :)

I may have tweaked some a little. Is that OK? I'll still give credit to where it originated.

Well, here they are. This is scary!

1.) Finding Christ in the Chaos or Christ in the Chaos

2.) Recipients of Grace

3.) Growing Them in Grace or Growing in Grace

Leave a comment here, on facebook, or tweet me to let me know your pick. I can't wait to see what you guys pick!

Voting will end Monday October 10th and the winner will be getting her gospel on with her new book A Gospel Primer.

Because He First Served Me

2011-10-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here it is. My "testimony" from this weekend's women's retreat. Thank you to all who were praying for me. I still can't believe that the Lord gave me the opportunity to share and I can't wait to do it again. I even had a few women tell me that I should write :)

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"The local church is a visible tangible, real life expression of how God views us." -John Sale

"So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:8

I am weak. I am very, very weak but I serve a gloriously strong God who uses my weakness.

Through the past years I have trudged through depression, illness, physical weakness and all of the challenges that life brings with it. All of these things brought into my life by a God who wanted to show me who He really was.

It was a "gospel life change." A time that the Lord stripped me from all of the things that I relied on, all of the things that I had put my hope and trust in. He was stripping me of myself. He did this out of His love for me so that He could give me a new love and a new life.

You see I used to go about my days relying on my own strength, working hard to serve a God that I thought was disappointed in me. But through the love of the church body he sent special people that He had hand picked to bring into my life, to turn everything that I knew on it's head and show me Jesus.

I worked hard at being that "Godly woman" that I read about in all of those well meaning books, that woman that so many ministries were preaching that I needed to work hard to be. I thought that if I did certain things, looked a certain way, used the right words than surely I would appear Godly enough to be in His presence.

What I didn't understand was that I was already Godly- I was already righteous. When I was saved I was given two gifts. One was that of having the record of my sin wiped clean but not only that my record was then replaced with the perfect, righteous record of Christ. I had nothing to earn because in one moment I had gained it all, yet I went on living as though I needed to earn my way to God.

Martin Luther said that,"The reason Christ came down, was born, lived among men and women, suffered, was crucified, and died was so that He might present Himself plainly to our eyes and fasten our spiritual sight upon Himself, so that He might keep us from climbing into heaven..." I was missing this in my Christian walk.

I spent many years trying to climb my way into heaven, looking up the rungs of a ladder that disappeared into to the clouds never knowing where it ended. My eyes looked right past Christ thinking that I needed more.

The rungs kept breaking under my feet, my hands couldn't hold on and as I slid further down the ladder of works I began to despair thinking that I had failed, that my good works weren't good enough because I just couldn't get there. I thought surely that God must be disappointed in me because everyone around me seemed to be closer to heaven. What I didn't realize is that maybe they were all pretending to have it together...just like I was.

As I slipped further down the ladder that seemed to be turning into a slide descending into hell at times God brought some very special people into my life. People who had their eyes on Jesus and knew that climbing a silly ladder would only get them nowhere because they had once tried it themselves.

These were the years in my life that I affectionately call "The Great Depression." Not because I enjoyed being there at the time but because I am so thankful for where it led. It was truly a "great" work of God to save me from myself and turn my eyes to Him.

During this extended time I began to think that my spiritual gift was that of helping others to use their spiritual gifts. I really felt that I was useless in the church. I didn't have the physical or emotional strength to give. It was a time for my brothers and sisters to hold up my arms.

We were being pelted by trial after trial that just seemed too hard for us to bear at the time. This is when the church stepped in. So much relief was given to me in my utmost darkest times. Women who sat with me just to be there, women who took my children so that we could hold the hand of a dying friend, meals cooked for us just because, laundry, house cleaning, homeschooling, counseling.

During an extended time of illness our gospel community group stepped in. Taking a child to the Dr. when I was too sick to leave the house, picking up prescriptions, taking the kids to the zoo or out for the day so that we could rest, feeding our animals and one friend was even brave enough to go buy a mouse and feed our pet snake. Even recently I had a friend call up and offer to help clean my house knowing that I was just back from vacation and had a group of women coming over the next morning.

All of this, from the men who dropped off fast food on their way home from work to the kids that came to feed our animals or water our plants showed me that Christ loved me. He was taking care of my needs through the church.

As I began to see the people of the church serving I began to see more of Christ. I could see how He was loving me through them and using this difficult time as a way to take my eyes off of that ladder and off of myself to look into my Saviors face, not having to look up but seeing Him standing right there next to me.

In my time of need not only was I given the gospel by the church, but I was loved. A picture of Christ's service to us. As life settled down and I was pulled out of the pit of despair I could not help but fall in love with not only the gospel that had now set me free but also with Gods people. I wanted to celebrate. I wanted everyone to feel the love and the freedom that I had gained. This love awakened a passion in me. A passion to serve other women, to tell them to get off that ladder and look at the Savior who is standing with them holding their hand. A Savior that, as my daughter Grace so well observed, had given up being a King to come and be a pauper. He gave up all the luxury of His kingdom to come and serve us.

Just as 1John 4:19 says that I love because He first loved me. I can say that I serve because He first served me. It's not a service out of payback or guilt. My debt has been payed, I'm not required to do anything but believe. It's not a service out of obligation but rather celebration. He loves me so much that I just can't help but do something about it.

-Jesus served me by giving up His status and lowering himself to the state of lowly man.

-He served me by living a life not without temptation but without sin because He knew that I could never live up to God's standards of perfection.

-He served me by giving His life and suffering the bloody, gruesome, humiliation of the cross. But even more than that he served me by taking on all of Gods wrath in the span of hours enduring it only as he could, being separated from his perfect intimate relationship with His father so that I might be free. So that there would be no condemnation against me. None.

-He served me by taking my record of every heinous sin that I have ever and would ever commit, replacing it with the grace gift of his perfect and righteous record so that when God looks at me He is not disappointed or disgusted but instead He says, "This is my beautiful daughter with whom I am well pleased. Always and forever. Not just when she is doing good, and even when she runs from me."

Have you every had anyone do this for you? How can I not want to serve a Savior that did all of this and even more than I can comprehend for ME? He did this for ME! He did it for you as well. He has served you in this most insane, incomprehensible way and now resides inside of you serving you through the gift of the Holy Spirit. Protecting you, guiding you and loving you each and every moment even when you feel empty and alone. He's there. He has promised never to leave you or forsake you.

Serving in the church body looks different on everyone. For some it's more tangible service such as cooking, cleaning, driving or child care. For others it may be serving women through encouragement, a listening ear or Speaking the truth to someone when they aren't believing it.

In my own life I no longer see myself as just a recipient of others gifts. I now see what the Lord was doing in my life through those difficult years. He was giving me a passion for the gospel of Christ. Giving me love for the church, giving me something to celebrate so that I could encourage others.

Serving is not a job, an obligation or a burden if you see it as an act of worship. Serving becomes a burden and a chore when we make it about ourselves. Its not about me, it's not even about the people I am serving its about Christ.

Now I don't want you to hear what I've said and think that I am telling you that you need to go out and serve more and be better. That's not what this is about because that's not what he's about. I hope to spark excitement in your heart for what He has done. I hope that with that excitement you will run to him, thank him and out of celebration want to pass on what he has given you. I'm not here to tell you what to do but rather where to go. Go to Christ. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Do you have a passion? Do you see a need that you can meet? . There are no rules to service, no limitations, all that is needed is the willingness to step out in faith and celebrate.

Moving On

2011-09-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I knew this day would come.

I knew my littles would grow and my days would no longer be about diapers, naps, strollers, high chairs and sippy cups...eventually.

But that seemed so far away.

So far away and yet its here.

My little guy is four now. FOUR. There was a time that I couldn't believe my oldest was four.

And here we are.

Three has faded as fast as my beach glow from this summer. Gone out with a similar disappointment, remembering the fondness but looking forward to a change of season.

With our ever changing family my blog has followed suit. It has changed by leaps and bounds over the years as the Lord has changed my law filled heart. I've watched it grow like I've watched my children grow. Not only growing in the number of readers but growing in a new direction. As the gospel continues to permeate my life it is all I want to give. My desire is just that, to bring the much needed, freeing power of the gospel to anyone who dares to read.

With all that said, my house full of kids that aren't so little, and changes all about...it's time for a name that we can grow into. That's where you get to help.

Ive decided to let you, my faithful readers, do the big rename.

Here's the deal:

*Leave a comment here, on my facebook page, tweet or email me and tell me what name you think would look fab with the boots and aptly represents what you read here.

*I will pick my favorite three and then let all of you choose the final name.

*The lovely contestant that suggests the winning name will receive a copy of one of my most beloved books A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.

*You have from now until Sunday to think of something "snazzy."

Who's in?

Rest for the Angry Mom

2011-09-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

To quote the dear Miss Clavel from Madeline, "Something is not right!"

There's something not right in my heart. Something causing me to crawl through my day, hardly able to crack a smile. I don't feel unhappy. I have joy, yet I'm fighting to show it.

My interactions with my family have been impatient, love lacking and altogether anger laced.

When I'm overtired, overextended, over committed, and just plain over it...I swim in anger. Not a screaming at my kids, throwing plates at my husband anger. But an everyone go away and leave me alone anger. An anger that tells me I need to look out for number one. An anger that makes me want to push away my family and God because it's all just too much work and I can't keep up.

A lonely anger that leaves me feeling ashamed and forgetting how much I am loved.

It's not my exhaustion that causes this anger, no exhaustion is just another thing that exposes the yuck of my heart. Exhaustion doesn't equal anger, exhaustion equals exposure.

When I'm exposed I am stopped in my tracks, seeing the sin before me. My first reaction is to try harder, do better...conquer this! But no my friends, all He asks is that repent and rest.

Rest? There's a sink full of dishes, lunches to make, bible study to prepare for...how am I supposed to rest?

He calls me to come to Him, rest my weary head on His chest and know that I am still loved.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

To rest where Christ began...in the coming of a sinless child.

To rest where Christ lived...in the perfect completion of all that needed to be done.

To rest where Christ suffered...in the agonizing, all sufficient payment on the cross.

To rest where Christ continues...in the ever reigning, ever working, never ending pursuit of His beloved daughter.

Christ's birth, life, death and ascension all for this angry, exhausted mom. So that God may look upon me and see completion and perfection. He has done it all, there is nothing left for me to do.

...and now I rest.

When Guilt Floods In

2011-09-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

I sit on the red plastic bench of the playground structure pretending to enjoy my wood-chip french fries.

Guilt floods in.

Playing seems like work today, most days lately.

"Enjoy it while you can", "They grow up so fast", "Take advantage of the time you have alone with him." I hate when I hear these words.

I wasn't enjoying him, it seems as if he'll never grow and all this time alone? Just me and him? It scares me.

He says his days with me are hard. He says I make him do hard stuff like take naps. I wish I could take a nap.

The Legos I bought him to keep him busy have now become my job. Finding the pants for the Lego guy becomes the reason for my existence.

I should enjoy it while I can. Take advantage of this time but I don't.

Big kids come home and we have a surprisingly pleasant afternoon. I give Him praise for my softness toward them because it's not me. I confess that to my oldest.

She knows of His grace today, she sees it too.

Husband is home and needs me. Work is tough right now. I'm impatient with all the talk and my feeling of inadequacy. I'm careless and he suffers.

Dinner comes, I actually cooked tonight. It was nice.

Laughing fits at the table with two squirrely boys, nobody listens. It seems like boys only listen when you yell, but I don't yell...not this time.

Harsh words and indifference become me as I clear the table. I want to be served. I'm exhausted, it's late and I don't feel like caring. I give into the enemy's lie that the sin will make me happy. It never does, not for long.

"Time for bed."

"Mommy, will you sing and pray?"

"I'll pray but I just don't want to sing tonight."

Why was singing so hard? Why has my calling become my chore?

Tears of self pity, anger and shame. The guilt lingers. If I were a good mom I'd_________.

Despite my husband's insistence that I've been an encouragement to him I continue to preach to myself...and it's not from the gospel pulpit.

Where does the Godly part come in? Why can't I just do better? My family doesn't deserve this. I can't do anything right. I'm ruining them.

Alone. Up too late.

Grace floods in.

The guilt? Wasn't that taken away at the cross? Gone, completely gone.

The bad mom stuff? It's all true. That's why I need Jesus. If I could do this, if it were easy, I wouldn't need His unmarred, unstained record. Death would have been in vain.

His life...perfection, because mine couldn't be.

Traded for my impatience, indifference, carelessness. Put on Him. For me.

His death...hanging, despised, rejected, beaten, spat upon, separated. For me.

Ascension...forever reigning, working, that I might rest...in Him. For me.

That He might say, "You are my beautiful daughter with whom I am well pleased."

Guilt? Erased.

Guilt? Replaced.

This is love.

The Gospel for the Weak Mom

2011-09-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

"I thought parenting was going to portray my strengths, never realizing God had ordained it to reveal my weaknesses." - Dave Harvey

106 degrees.

I stood leaning against the port-a-potty dutifully eating a Lunchables, trying not to let myself taste the smell that only an outdoor toilet that's been baking in the sun can create. Not at all hungry because of the heat (and smell) I shoveled in the turkey and crackers so that I could get to my chocolate candy dessert before it melted. I suppose I could have eaten it first now that I'm an adult but since everything in me was rebellious that day I thought I'd do something "good."

It was the first soccer game of the season.

It was hot.

It was lunchtime.

My three year old had to use the potty.

I wanted nothing to do with soccer, Lunchables, sunscreen, port-a-potties and hot kids touching me that day. I wanted my air conditioner, a good book and some peace and quiet.

As I stood there on the hot blacktop baking in the heat I was certain that every other woman in the world was doing something more glamorous. Well maybe not, I guess there were those missionaries on the field in India dealing with stenches far worse than a port-a-potty. There were women who could only dream of eating the lunch that I thought I was too good for. And women who had, after years of heartache, never been gifted a child to take to soccer. And here I stood complaining.

"What a jerk I am! Do I really have anything to complain about? Come on...whiny kids, an umbrella that keeps getting blown over by the hot wind and a husband who is late... are those really hardships worth complaining about? What is my problem?"

I continued to to preach to myself the gospel of my "jerkness" as we headed back to our spot on the sidelines. Trash strewn about, articles of clothing and small complaining children were all that I could see. Until I spotted the team on the opposite side of the field. Really?

"Ugh...I have to move all of this? By myself?" It was a long and painful journey across the field that day. One that ended in grumpier kids, and some not so nice words from their mom. One that sent me into a tailspin of self condemnation.

Once settled and seated I hand-held the umbrella while trying to serve waters from the cooler explaining that nobody was to touch Mommy. I sat pouting, wishing I wasn't there and wondering where my husband was with the back up.

It was the moment my youngest flung himself on the ground screaming about not wanting to move his chair over that I gave up. It was then that I finally gave myself up of stubborn rebellion and self pity that had snowballed through the week. I couldn't do it anymore. I told God that I was tired of being a jerk and that I wasn't good enough for these kids.

Gentle as He is, He brought me hope on that soccer field. He reminded me that it wasn't "jerk" that I should be calling myself but rather "weak." You see if I just call myself a jerk, wallow in my sin and then try harder I miss the whole point of the gospel. It's weak that I am. It's utter dependence on Him that I need. So I repent and remind myself of His never ending love for this weak mom.

It's my weakness that Christ died for and in my weakness that He is glorified.

He knew that I couldn't have a good attitude about eating lunch next to a port-a-potty. He knew I would snap at my kids every time they touched my sweaty body.

He knew I'd want to be anywhere but a soccer game that day and yet He chose me and is not ashamed to call me His.

The gospel tells me that I can never disillusion God, never disappoint God and never surprise God with my sin.

The gospel tells me that there is no condemnation for my sin. No payback, no grudge.

The gospel tells me to abandon all dependence on myself and my pretty little mom rules, to stop trying and to start resting.

He lowered Himself to human status, lived a life of perfection under trial and suffered in ways unimaginable ending in a death we will never know. And then He ascended and is now reigning and working so that I can be free and rest in the work that He is doing in me.

I may be a weak mom who's sin is great but I have a great and mighty Savior who's forgiveness is even greater.

Give Them Grace...Winner!

2011-09-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

And our winner is.....AILEEN!

Aileen said, "I would love this book! I've had it in my cart on Amazon for a while...waiting for enough swag bucks to get it! I have been so blessed by 2 other Elyse Fitzpatrick books during difficult times. I am sure that God will use this book as a blessing and as a tool to encourage me through the journey of motherhood."

SO excited for you Aileen...no more Swag Bucks worries :)

Please email me at kimmy(@)crandalls(dot)net with your address so I can send to the book ASAP.

For everyone else still wanting to read Give Them Grace you can order your copy here.

When I Don't Give Them Grace

2011-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

"And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."
John 1:6

I ran across an old list yesterday. It said something like this:

Laundry
Dishes
Phone calls
Love my kids!!!!!

I know it was unrealistic. I know that loving your kids is more than something you put on a list and I know that at the end of the day there is no way that I would have been able to check that one off.

A list is my friend when I can't remember what to do. And a list is my enemy when I want to earn my way to God. If I could just do these things, whatever they may be, then I will feel worthy.

Lists are what I do when things are changing, when I feel out control. Right now there is a lot to feel out of control about...or so I think.

I grasp for something that I can assure myself with. Something tangible that says, "You're good. You're OK despite all that is going on around you."

I tell myself I'm not going to do it yet I wake up trying harder. I wake up with a mission for me and my family and two minutes after, we've all failed. I'm crushed and angry. I question God, make another list and try harder.

Its why I was paralyzed as I sat next to a friend at the pool watching my kids swim. Afraid of what she might be thinking as she watched their interactions with each other and with me. Worried that she would notice how my parenting has fallen into "stop it", "obey" and "because I said so."

I've made it all about me. All about my performance as a parent and their performance as my kids. I've been preaching the "good boy, bad boy" sermon again. Threatening out of fear, lecturing out of anger and giving up in despair.

Showing my weakness? Great. Being honest and transparent? No problem. But when it comes to my kids I will do everything I can to hide their weaknesses, I'm afraid you might see who they really are. Sinners, just like me.

I've been making my "do better" lists because grace seems scary to me right now.

Grace means letting go of control of yet another thing.
Grace means jumping off the cliff and trusting that He's there to catch me.
Grace means loving them despite their failures.
Grace means giving them a Jesus that doesn't require lists.

Grace means there is nothing for me to add.

Yet He continues to whisper in my ear that He's still there. Assuring me that although I have had no desire to give them grace that He has been pouring it out, praying for me and loving me all the more.

Reminding me to put away the unnecessary lists and rest.

Lists...they're easy. Grace is hard.

*Haven't read Give Them Grace yet? You're missing out. Leave a comment to win your copy. Contest ends Sunday, September 11th.

The Slippery Place

2011-08-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

God creates our faith and maintains it within us.

You will never lose your faith, nothing can take it away. But my friends, just as Martin Luther whom wholeheartedly embraced, preached and exhorted the gospel knew the danger of forgetting we must also be aware. Even the wisest teachers of the Gospel wrestle. Nobody is exempt from the devil's attempts to bring us down.

"...for I sometimes wrestle in hours of darkness. I know how often I suddenly lose the beams of the Gospel and grace. It is as though thick dark clouds obscured them from me. So I know about the slippery place in which we stand, even if we are experienced and seem to be sure footed in matters of faith. We are experienced in this matter, for we are able to teach it to others, and this is a sure sign that we understand it. But when in the midst of the battle we should avail ourselves of the Gospel that is the word of grace, consolation, and life, at that moment the law, the word of wrath, heaviness and death come in front of the Gospel and begin to rage; this terrorizes the conscience just as much as on Mount Sinai (Exodus 19:18). Even one passage of Scripture containing some threat of the law overwhelms and drowns all other consolations and so shakes our inner powers that it makes us forget justification, grace, Christ, and the Gospel." -Martin Luther

Just like Luther we must daily battle against Satan's desire to steal away our gospel mind. We must soak ourselves in the truth. Preach to yourself what Christ has done. Fight against forgetfulness and the temptation to think that Christ's life, death and resurrection are not enough. Jesus alone is enough.

A Prayer for the Mom That Fails

2011-08-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Unfailing Lord,

I have failed again.

Today I have thought only of myself.

I've served myself, I've only wanted what was comfortable and convenient for me.

I've given into satisfying my own desires over and over.

Knowing I was wrong, knowing it was sin and not caring.

I've made excuses...I'm tired...it was hot...it's been a long and difficult week but nobody seems to care.

I've made more excuses...they're being so selfish...they're complaining...they're being ridiculous.

Lord you know my heart. You know I want to run away from them. You know that my sin goes so much deeper than I can even recognize.

Yet you love me.

How is it that you love this broken, blackened heart that has spent the day running from you?

You know me yet you welcome me.

You see no failure when I've been a jerk...only spotless perfection.

How can this be?

Is this really what you died for? A mom that has no desire to serve...really?

Lord, you...you came and you served in perfection. You served out of love and never grew impatient or selfish in your service. Not one minute of your life was counted as failure. Sinlessly, lovingly you served because you knew I would be here...today...not able to meet the mark.

You gave everything for me.

Hours of wrath and separation poured out onto you...for me...a mom that fails.
You wiped my slate, my record of failure is clean. You've added your own goodness in place of my empty resume so that I would not be called a failure. So that I may be called righteous. You have gifted me with every good and perfect gift.

You have taken my failures today and turned them into to praise, my ashes into beauty...glorifying you and your ever present gospel.

I am amazed that you remain in me, that you will never turn your head in disgust. You will never get up and walk away in disappointment.

You see me as your beloved daughter with whom you are well pleased.

Though I may have spent the day in failure to the law, your disposition toward me is as though I have been a pure success.

I praise you for your kindness that has lead me to repentance. I praise you that I don't have to live in my failures. I praise you for your perfection...which is now mine.

I thank you Lord that as a mom who failed today I don't have to spend my evening trying to figure out how I am going to do better tomorrow. I have you and in my weakness you will carry me and give me what I need.

Tomorrow may be another day that I struggle to serve but you give me strength in my weakness, you hold me up when I have nothing to stand on.

You are worthy to be praised.

Cancer and the Gospel

2011-08-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones once said that "Faith is the refusal to panic." I've tossed this around in my head a bit since I've heard it. At first I liked it. I thought it gave me something to work on. If I just work on having more faith then maybe I wont panic so much, maybe I won't freak out when life starts to unravel. But wait, that's not what the gospel is about. Really Dr. Jones? Are you telling me to work harder?

I dismissed the quote and didn't think much about it after my first assessment. That was until the heat of life began to press down on our family. It was about the time that Justin's dad was going through the worst of his cancer treatment, his grandpa was having triple bypass surgery and his grandma was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Not to mention that there were other important things in our life that were dissolving before our eyes. It was then that I got it. I began to see what the good Dr. was saying. I had seen how the Lord had helped me in these situations not to panic. Not to go down the road of "what if". Not to go down the road of "poor me". Because I had believed what God has promised I had refused to panic. Of course there were still fears and tears that crept up but they were soon settled when I reminded myself that that there was no room for panic in the gospel.

We saw Justin's dad today who was looking better than ever full of energy and with one last surgery coming up will have his cancer behind him. It was good for our hearts. On the flip side I received a phone call from my mom today informing me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer and will have surgery in the morning.

In the past this would have sent me into panic. But today I was able to see it through a gospel lens. I was able to see His hand. I reminded myself that if He was committed enough to me to hang on a cross and die for me that He sure as heck is not going to ditch me in my toughest times. I have to believe that His love is what He says it is. His commitment to me is unfathomable. He dwells in me, never leaving me and never forsaking me.

We struggle to see the good in the midst of trials because so often our eyes fall from the cross to ourselves. That's when we must refuse to panic and look at Christ because we know that His love and His commitment to us is never ending. We must remind ourselves of how much He has given us through the cross. How much we have been delivered from our own destruction.

It isn't about me and what is going on in my life. Its about His work and where He is taking us. I can step into trials and walk in faith because I know that the outcome, no matter how difficult the road, is always good. He has promised me that He "works all things together for the good of those who love Him" and I can testify to that. I can polish my faith monuments and remember that I have yet to walk through something difficult and seemingly overwhelming without looking back on that time to be amazed at what He has done.

So when my fears and mistrusts start to crop up I can remind myself that there is no need to panic. I have a truly amazing God that has loved me enough to give up His son for me and resides in me through the Holy Spirit so that He can protect and love me like know one else can. And when I forget these truths and my eyes turn inward He will not be disappointed. My faith may waiver but His love for me is not dependent on how much faith I have on any particular day. I may wake up tomorrow angry and overwhelmed with what He has given me and there He will be, praying for me still. Interceding with the Father on my behalf. Always loving me, always welcoming me...even when I haven't refused to panic.

Grace at the Lake

2011-08-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

The glassy lake awaited us on the quiet August morning. With life jackets fastened and sunscreen applied we headed down the dock with much excitement as our highly anticipated boat ride called our name.

As we began to load the boat the excitement quickly turned to anxiety. I stepped in carelessly and tipped the row boat with my weight only to give way to to the screams of my five year old which in turn set off my three year old. I began to paddle away from the dock looking at Justin as we rowed a chorus of screaming children out into the lake.

I could do nothing to stop my fit of laughter. I know I should have been more comforting but really the whole scene was just too much. Had I not been laughing I would have probably just joined the madness...or maybe I was.

Justin hopped out to get my oldest into a kayak while I sat with the other three who were now all crying. My eight year old had fallen apart because the younger two were spoiling his much coveted boat ride. This is what he had been living for since we had made our vacation plans. The open waters were calling his name and now he was stuck in a boat with screaming fun wreckers. Quite frankly I felt the same way. This was not thefamily memory I was hoping to create.

After wiping the tears that ran down my face from my laughing hysterics I was finally able to compose myself enough to row to shore. We got the screaming mimmies onto dry land and gave them a choice...quiet ride in the boat using some sense of self control or back to the lodge for a nap. They both chose to give the boat another try along as mommy sat in the middle and held them tight. And that I did.

Off we rowed into the quiet morning. It was then that I noticed the handful of people on the shore with bibles in hand curled up on the cozy lakeside Adirondack chairs spectating our episode. I'm quite sure that our family had just taken the "quiet" out of "quiet time" throughout the entire camp.

Although the little kids cooperated enough to get out of the dock area it was clear that my daughter's fear had consumed her and that this was not her idea of enjoyment. It was a repeat of the night before when she was certain that we would be mauled by a bear on our hike. Nothing could comfort her and I needed patience.

Surprised by her willingness, l took her out with me on the accompanying kayak that we had rented. I tried to get her mind off of her fear and direct her to God's goodness by pointing out the beauty of His creation. She softly melted back into my lap looking up at the mountains and allowed me to paddle out for a minute. That was about it and then the tears of fear came again which eventually turned to tears over her birthday party, or lack there of, and then how she missed two of her friends at home. She was done.

The stress of our kids' reluctance was wearing on me and I was growing tired of the crying. It all came to an end when my three year old boldly stepped off of the boat into the kayak with his dad. In his enthusiasm he moved too quickly tipping the kayak over dumping both he and his daddy into the cold water. Since this was what both of the kids had feared so badly it totally freaked them out and the screaming and crying began all over again.

With Justin in the water pushing the row boat we headed to shore. Passing by a boat with a few lounging readers I felt the need to apologize and had to restrain myself from yelling "serenity now!". It was then that I came to the end. I didn't say much besides letting my daughter know that she was getting her way by making us go back in but my attitude completely stank, stunk...whatever. I was short with my husband and not helpful to an already stressful situation.

Now, in my own law filled, angry heart I had wanted to punish these kids for ruining something that could have been a fun family experience. It was true. I could even think of some bible verses that I could use. They hadn't put others first, they hadn't obeyed and trusted their parents authority and they certainly hadn't done things without complaining and arguing. I can always think of bible verses when I'm angry. It's as if I wanted to prove that they had sinned so I could be angry, but for the most part it was just their immature way of dealing with fear. I didn't want to be understanding. I wanted my coveted family memory of a peaceful boat ride out on the lake!

As I walked with them along the shore the Holy Spirit softened my heart. An amazing calming of the grace and peace that only He can provide came over me. I suddenly wanted to love these little guys that had just made my life so difficult and knowing my heart as I do I can say that this was quite unusual. But the more I am understanding grace the more I see that I desire to show it to others. His love does that to us. It surprises us into obedience.

In my own strength, trusting my own heart, I can only be angry in a situation like this but God was giving me His grace so that I may return it to them. We walked to the little store for some candy as I told them how much I loved them instead of how they had ruined a fun time. I enjoyed their cuteness as they played in the lake running to me for warm towel hugs whenever they got cold. Their complaints were no longer an inconvenience but rather an opportunity to serve.

Though their fear made no sense to me I stopped trying to reason with them and just started loving them. They didn't need another lecture, they didn't need discipline, they needed grace. They needed to know that they were still loved.

It's only because I have a Savior that has given me such undeserved, relentless, mind blowing love countless times when I have been unreasonably fearful and untrusting that I am able to do the same for my children. Its only because I know that my standing with God does not change no matter how I act out in my fear that my heart could be softened towards them.

You see, I have the one truly perfect parent and because the Holy Spirit dwells in me I have the ability to share with them what I have been given, not because I have to but because I want to. That's what grace does.

Mornings at the Cross

2011-08-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

Mornings. That's probably all I have to say because I'm sure if you have littles we are in the same boat. Mornings have always been tough; tougher now that I have to have four kids out of the house by 7:30. One thing that I can be thankful for is that I don't have a baby to nurse amidst all of the chaos and all of the kids can feed themselves. There's always something to be thankful for.

My days start with a good amount of pain. I roll myself out of bed like an old lady and make my way to the bathroom to fumble with my clothes in my stiffness. It's a good morning if I don't have a headache. It takes a while for my body to eventually make it's way to a decent operable status. Some mornings are better than others but some are like today. Sleep was not good last night. My body has not gotten the memo that I don't have time to be in pain this morning.

Two of my children have decided that breakfast is more important than anything in the world and have begun the morning with crying fits. One has stolen a car from another and his older sister has decided to play police woman. I'm still emerging from my inconsistent slumber of the night with no coffee yet in sight. My first response is to yell at them. I know it's not how I should be dealing with the situation but it's all that comes out.

Knowing that this morning is going downhill fast I stop and pray and ask for help. I try to emerge from the panic I feel to get out the door and remember that these little people are just like me. Little sinners struggling to obey in much need of correction and encouragement.

On goes the post-it note that I've been using to stick to my boy's chest. This way he knows what needs to be done to get out of the house without the nagging of his mother. He's not happy that I'm withholding breakfast this morning until he is done. I lecture him about not allowing him to make us late failing to be patient again.

My five year old is dressed with her pants on inside-out again and I ask her to fix them. It's as if I had just told her that pink was no longer a color as she is set into a howl and enters her bedroom to yell at her older sister. Time for a "talk" with mommy that results in no more time to finish her breakfast and more howling. Eventually the pants are put on correctly, the hair is brushed and I can't be sure but possibly the teeth are brushed as well. She is given instructions to get into the car without yelling at anyone. It's a good day if that happens.

I don't know how but we've all managed to get in the car by 7:30 and this morning there is no yelling and no one is in need of being brought back into the house for a "talk". We always manage to make it on time. Even on the bad mornings, we get there. Sometimes it involves mommy driving down the dirt road Indiana Jones style spilling coffee everywhere but the kids don't seem to mind.

Our twenty minute drive to school is just what I need to sort through my thoughts and get myself back on track. I struggle with the guilt that I was harsh and yelled at them. I fight the temptation to think that if I had continued homeschooling we wouldn't have these struggles because we wouldn't need to be out of the house. I am convinced that nobody else's day has started this way. Pulling up to school I take a breath and say my usual, "do you guys forgive me for yelling and you and being harsh with you this morning?" The answer is always the same. My kids are so forgiving.

I like to pray with the kids before they get out of the car. I take that back I NEED to pray with the kids before they get out of the car. It's now that they are away for the day that I realize how important it is that they see that a bad morning does not need to define their day. That there is forgiveness and freedom in Christ to fail. The power of the cross starts to infiltrate my thinking. My prayer is much like it was yesterday. "Thank you Lord that you have redeemed our morning. Thank you that you love us the same no matter what kind of morning we have. Help us to love others the way that you have loved us by sending your Son to die for us. Thank you for the power of the cross so that we do not have to live in guilt and shame over our sin this morning. Thank you for your forgiveness."

Amens are said by those who actually participated and I have had the chance to share. I've had the opportunity to show them that everyone messes up. I've been able to seek forgiveness and admit that I am in need of a Savior just as much as they are. It's my hope that they have seen my sin and my guilt be taken to the cross. It's my hope that they will carry that today. It was a good morning.

"And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." Colossians 2:13-14

The Gospel for the Inadequate Mom

2011-08-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

My three year old sat screaming in the car seat next to the little girl that I was in care of for the week and it didn't take long for her to blurt out, "This makes me realize that I never want to be a mom of four." Ugh...

She is in our home alot. Staying with us for one week every couple of months while her mom is out of town for work. Being the only child at home with a dad and a step mom that are old enough to be my parents, her life is a bit more quiet. Just a bit.

It's my desire to show her Christ while she is here but really most of what she sees is my sin. I feel so inadequate. There's nothing like having another child in your home saying, "But Mrs. Crandall I'm being good aren't I?" to make you realize how you lump all of your kids together when you lecture.

I felt inadequate, incapable, and more than weak throughout my week. There was just one opportunity after another for me to feel as if God had trusted me with things that I just could not do. I felt inadequate to give counsel to a hurting friend, inadequate to lead the women in my home group, inadequate to deal gently with a three year old that just couldn't keep his lid on. And just in case I started to feel any sense that I could indeed be anything but insufficient for what's on my plate, I had five children that were eager to point out that I indeed sucked at my job.

Now this was not just a bad day, it was merely a revealing of my own heart. A hard lesson of truth. I want to feel capable, I want to be in control. I want to feel good about myself so I can boast in my own srength. I fight my weakness with every breath that I have yet He continues to show me that this is what He wants for me. It drives me to Him and His glorious gospel (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

One of Satan's most effective ways of tearing down a mom is to whisper in her ear that she can not do the job that she is called to do. That it's too hard, too much and she should just give in to despair. But when we are tempted to be discouraged we can agree and know that Christ's life, death and resurrection were, are and always will be enough. He came and died because we are insufficient without Him. He has fulfilled it all for us.

Christ has given us everything that we need in Him. He has lived, died and ascended so that in our weakness we can have strength through Him. If we were able to handle all that life is throwing at us, if we were able to save ourselves through adequately keeping the "good mom" rules then Christ would have died for nothing (Galatians 2:21).

You see, it's in our failures and our defectiveness that He calls us to Himself. "Come to me when you are tired and burdened. Rest and let me handle it. I am capable. I am enough (Matthew 11:28-29)." He is gently patting His chest beckoning us to come and lay down our heads and rest.

So as you go about your day today hearing the whisper that you are not good enough, run to Him in your inadequacy and rest. Through your salvation and union with Christ you have everything that's His. His righteousness is all you need today, tomorrow and the next day. And when you forget it, don't understand it or just plain don't want to believe it you can know that it is still wonderfully true and He is believing it for you.

Little Horses and Big Cliffs

2011-08-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

There she was...crying again. Something about her little horse that her brother was playing with. She could see that I wasn't all that concerned so she took matters into her own hands and rushed across the grass to let him have it, and that she did.

As the two of them approached me in tears all I was able to make out was that someone had hit someone and something about a horse so I did what most moms would do and confiscated the toy.

My little girl was beside herself. Convinced that she would never again see this horse that was, as of five minutes ago, her most cherished possession. We tried ignoring her but that clearly wasn't working. We tried holding her but she couldn't get her focus off of that dumb horse. Completely undone.

Soon after, our friends came and plopped their chairs down next to us probably hoping that the music from the outdoor concert that we were at would get started to drown her out. I know that's what I was thinking. I finally let her get off of my lap and she continued with her performance on the blanket in front of us as my friend and I sat and watched in wonder.

I turned to my sweet friend and asked, "What am I supposed to do about this?" I was hoping for some wisdom when she said, "Oh Kimm, when are you going to learn to stop asking that question?"

Really?! Is that all I get? I was kind of annoyed. I wanted an answer. I was at a loss and everything I had thought to do would only pitch her further into her fit. I wanted it to stop and I was sure there was a formula that I had not yet discovered. I thought maybe my friend could give me something to "do." At this point I would have gotten up and danced like a chicken around her three times and then stood on my head if I knew it would work.

I knew exactly what my friend was saying that night and I knew why she was saying it. She knows me and my propensity to want to add to Jesus. I was sitting there telling her that Jesus was not enough in my situation and I wanted her to help me to come up with more.

Here's the thing. When I know I can "do" something in a situation then I have that coveted control. We all desire it. Not one of us likes the feeling of jumping off a cliff when we doubt that God is really down below ready to catch us. We forget that we are not alone. We grasp for something safe, something that we can make work. We stand at the edge yelling,"For crying out loud, somebody strap a bungee cord to my ankle! Is that too much to ask?" I'm finding out that there is alot of cliff jumping in parenting but no bungee cords.

Grace is scary like that. It makes you cringe and wish that you had a way out. It makes you doubt yourself because if you aren't going to "do" something then who is? That is the beauty of it. There's nothing for us to add yet everything for us to gain.

Every time I jump off the cliff I am kicking and screaming only to realize that I have just landed in the soft arms of my Savior who is quieting me with His love (Zephaniah 3:17). It's then that I see what grace does. How I can trust everything to Him and rest in His finished work. I can stop working, conniving, scheming, and just plain doing because it has already been done.

And just in case you are wondering what ever became of my poor little girl you can be assured that we did not in fact send her home with the band that night. No, just as I had started to entertain those thoughts I turned around to see that she was off happily playing with the other kids. I looked over at my husband in bewilderment and with shrugged shoulders he told me "we prayed."

What the Gospel Does

2011-07-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget. I forget the unrelenting, always pursuing, always sanctifying, soul satisfying, strength giving power of the gospel. And when I do this He is always so good to bring me back.

Part of living in the gospel is daily reminding yourself of who you are in Christ. As I was thumbing through my beloved copy of A Gospel Primer on a particularly forgetful day I was encouraged by the excerpt below. Read it and soak in the grace poured out through Milton Vincent's words and when you forget and become a self condemning naval gazer or a proud self sanctifier read it again. Then go and read Romans 5:1-2, 1 John 2:1-2, Romans 4:5, Hebrews 4:3, Matthew 11:28, Romans 5:18-21, Romans 6:1, 1 John 2:1-2 . Preach it to yourself. Preach it to your husband. Preach it to your children and then rest in Christ's righteousness because it is all yours!

*Resting in Christ's Righteousness*

"The gospel encourages me to rest in my righteous standing with God, a standing which Christ Himself has accomplished and always maintains for me. I never have to do a moment's labor to gain or maintain my justified status before God! Freed from the burden of such a task, I now can put my energies into enjoying God, pursuing holiness, and ministering God's amazing grace to others.

The gospel also reminds me that my righteous standing with God always holds firm regardless of my performance, because my standing is based solely on the work of Jesus and not mine. On my worst days of sin and failure, the gospel encourages me with God's unrelenting grace toward me. On my best days of victory and usefulness, the gospel keeps me relating to God solely on the basis of Jesus' righteousness and not mine."

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

2011-07-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have the Holy Spirit Power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.

I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.

I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." (Romans 1:16)

-Author unknown

A Prayer for Tired Moms

2011-07-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,

I'm so tired. I dread going to bed at night because I know that I will soon be wakened. It seems useless to sleep sometimes. I wake up feeling worse than when I went to bed. I need your help today.

I'm awakened by a three year old asking for food, then again by a five year old yelling. Without you I can not get out of bed. I can't take one step in the morning without you.

Without you I can not help these kids get dressed this morning. Without you I can't deal with a five year old that wants to wear a long sleeved velvet dress in ninety degree weather. Without you I am angry and fall apart.

Without you I can not meet my husband's needs and be kind or loving to him one bit. Without you I will make him feel like an annoyance and a failure.

Without you I would give up. I'd stay in bed, I'd skip church because my heart is angry. Without you I can not deal with the crying, the fighting, the wanting, the complaining, the bossing, the demanding. Without you I have nothing.

Lord, thank you for my weakness. Thank you that I can't do this without you. Thank you that I have no strength to control my anger, my indifference, my selfishness. Thank you that when I hear the whispers of the enemy telling me that "I can't" I can agree and run to you.

I can't do this day without you. You will rescue, sustain and carry me. You will love and cherish me and hold my hand when I feel so tired that I want to give in. And when I do get angry, impatient, selfish and unloving you are loving me. Holding up my tired arms strengthening my every tired breath and giving me rest in my soul.

Thank you for your strength and may you continue to pour your graces on me this very day. Making me strong in my weakness and reminding me that I am nothing without you.

An Addition That Subtracts

2011-07-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

"For freedom Christ has set us free;stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke ofslavery."
Galatians 5:1

As I sit here and write this I think about how much my life has changed over the past five or six years. One child is playing video games, the girls are watching a non-educational, secular cartoon. My little guy has fallen asleep in his room after being sent there during a screaming fit for a traditional "set the timer" time out. I'm snacking on red vines, wearing a tank top and jean shorts and have no idea what's for dinner. I am free!

Looking back to when my oldest was four and I had a two year old and a newborn, I cringe. Life for us looked different, oppressive. You would have found my children napping or having their scheduled "quiet time" in their rooms. I would have been blogging about how you should be dressing more modestly and femininely or planning meals better. I might have bragged about my four year old's progress on catechism memorization and how you too could have children like mine. My relationship with God was based off of my own good works. At least on my end.

I would have been donned in a skirt and apron, both of which I hated wearing. I would have judged anyone who ate red vines yet consumed my secret stashes of candy after bed time. Our day was perfectly planned with reading books, practicing sitting quietly for church, cooking and doing chores. If my days were interrupted, and they always were, I fell apart and thought that I had failed to be the godly woman that I should be.

My four year old was trained to do the laundry. Wash and dry all by herself and help me fold. I posted pictures on my blog. My goal for her was that of being able to run the home better than I was doing by the time she was twelve. After all, who was going to do the work when I was having all those babies? I had it calculated in my head. If we continued at the rate we were going I'd only make it to eight kids before I got too old. That was unless I had twins. I prayed for twins. It was like some kind of baby race for me.

My kids were never going to step foot in a school. In fact I had concluded that home school groups would not be good for us. Not all of those women were like-minded. They may have corrupted me or their kids might have used the word "butt" and taught my kids bad manners.

I'm now looking forward to stepping into our second year in school. Three kids this year. Yes it's small, it's private but it's a big change. My oldest keeps bringing up the fact that I used to tell her that I would never put her in school. I share with her how Christ has changed me. I love home schooling, just not for me...not right now.

The only kid that remembers life this way is my oldest. She questions why she is allowed to do things that she once was told were inappropriate or unbiblical. She always asks me to remind her why she can watch the movie Babe now when I once gave it away because it used the word stupid. It's been a transition for her. She's becoming more confident and less frightened of the world and less frightened of letting me down.

I rejoice when I watch her step out into freedom. I rejoice in my freedom. I rejoice in what Christ has done. I am so freed to know and believe that my children's salvation does not rest on me. That God is their salvation and watcher of their souls.

All of my "convictions" were fueled by wanting to be like other families and go against the world. Wanting to be different, better, exclusive. I had lots of "convictions."

How did my heart fall into such a trap of outward performance? I was blind. I didn't see what Jesus had to do with my everyday life. Yes he died for me but He was only a role model of a perfection that I could never attain not knowing that I had already obtained it through my union with Him. I lived in guilt and shame and thought that adding more rules, more "convictions" would save me. I "pressed on" to be more godly not understanding that my righteousness was in Christ. I feared a condemnation that was promised never to be mine (Romans 8:1-2).

I was saying that Jesus alone was not enough. Adding anything I could find that made me look more serious, more committed (Galatians 2:21). I thought that if I could only do more than the next person then I would be safe. God would be pleased.

My need to add only subtracted. It took away my freedom. It took away my love for Christ. It took away from the enjoyment of my children, my husband and my life. It drove me into deep despair until I was freed into Christ's calling of a gospel life change.

My friends, please hear me when I say that Jesus alone is enough! He is more than enough. If we stop trying to add to the equation with all of our distractions (of which I continue to do), thinking that we can gain godliness, then we will see that He is all we need. Rest in your righteousness today and trust that you have already been made godly. As the title of Tullian Tchividjian's new book so powerfully states, Jesus+Nothing=Everything. Believe it! Live in it! Rest in it!

Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to thy Cross I cling!

The Horse and Cart

2011-07-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

I had a stellar week. Can I tell you about it?

*I gave away a few books to friends.

*I encouraged my husband.

*I gave my kids grace and dazzled them with the love of Jesus.

*I led the women in our Gospel Community group.

*I invited a bunch of women and their children to my home and set up babysitting for them.

*I took a friend to a new church forty-five minutes from my house so that she didn't have to go alone.

*I cared for sick kids, carted them to the beach and boogie boarded with them. I took them to the pool, to their friends'. I even paid for my daughter to have parts of a chicken put in her hair.

*I took a friend's kids for a few hours so she could get some stuff done.

*I called to check in on a lonely friend.

*I gave counsel to a hurting and discouraged woman.

Pretty awesome huh? The picture of godliness right there!

And then Thursday came. Ahh Thursday. The day I realized how awesome I was. The day that I was certain I had earned my wings. It started with a beautiful email from a friend telling me what a great job I am doing in leading the women in our Gospel Community group. I believe the email was even titled "Awesome". I read that email quite a few times to reflect on my awesomeness. It was written in a spirit of love and encouragement but I ran with it and I ran hard. It speared me on to continue in my "good works." I mean how can a person so awesome let anyone down by failing to be just that?

So by now you are probably really annoyed with the fact that I am telling you how great I am. What happened to the "boaster of weaknesses?" Have I lied to you all along only preparing you for the real unavailing of my awesomeness?

Here's the thing. It wasn't until I fell very hard and found myself in the middle of a big mess I had caused that I even counted what I had done this week. You see, the "Awesome" email was timely. Timely enough that in the midst of my big mess I would refer back to it to try to convince myself that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was when the truth is that I am actually worse (Romans 3:10).

And then as the messiness progressed I started to count my good deeds of the week. It was then that they became meaningless and self serving. It was then that they became about me. I had used them to try to earn favor, to earn forgiveness of the sin that I was overwhelmed by. The sin that was already paid for. What was originally effortless and loving had now become a crutch.

It was apparent to me that there was a major contrast in my week. I had started the week with my eyes on what Christ had done. A heart so full and so amazed that I would do anything. As Walter Marshall said, "Forgiveness is the horse that pulls the cart of good works." I had the horse before the cart, right where it should be, living in my forgiveness, but then things changed. I sinned badly and I no longer believed in my heart that I was loved much and forgiven much. I had put the cart before the horse and with all awkwardness proceeded to push into good works to sanctify myself, to make myself awesome so that I could prove that I was worthy to be His daughter.

It's all wrong you see. We don't have to prove anything. We don't have to earn anything. Everything that Christ gave up, every sin that was laid upon His back proved it all for us. Because He stepped in for us out of love to make us worthy we can stop trying to earn our way into forgiveness. We are loved, cherished, redeemed children of a great and loving God. We don't have to earn forgiveness, approval or good merit by working hard. If we will only go back to our cleansing, and live in our forgiveness then we can get the horse straightened out and on it's way.

Where's your horse of forgiveness this week? Is it laboring awkwardly to push the cart of good works out of a fearful heart who's only desire is to please so it won't be punished? Or is forgiveness first on your mind. Has Christ's amazing love for you grasped your heart and shaken you down until the good works have unabashedly poured out? My friends, Let's live in our forgiveness so that we may love in our forgiveness and remember that we have nothing to earn or gain because we have it all in Him.

Are You Spoiled?

2011-07-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

*Another recycled post...I know, really.

LAVISH. It's my new favorite word. Isn't it such a lovely word? I like to be lavished upon don't you? We all love to be spoiled, to be given gifts that we weren't expecting. Gifts with no strings attached, nothing expected in return. Doesn't it make you feel special? A moment of being favored that passes so quickly and we try so hard to stretch it out only to be left desiring more. Wouldn't it be so beautiful to feel that way all the time? Can we?

Webster's defines Lavish as: expending or bestowing profusely; expended or produced in abundance; marked by profusion or excess. That is just what God has done with the gift of His son. He has profusely given us a ridiculous amount of treasure in sending His son to die for us that we may be lavished upon in a way that not even the richest king can do. We are called the children of God! Any other title can not compare.

"See what great love the Father has LAVISHED on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

Look at this verse! It's got these !!!!!!!!!! That means the writer, John is really excited, bursting at the seams. He LAVISHED on us, that we should be called His children! He has given us great riches that were undeserved, unearned totally unexpected. He knows that we can not bring anything in return and yet He pours out His love upon us when we deserve His wrath. How can we not feel loved?

As you go about your mundane work feeling unappreciated and worn out trying to remember the last time you felt loved on, consider who's child you are. Consider what your Father has done. He didn't just lavish you once with gifts, He continues to lavish. Shall we not live like that? He continues to love and wants you to bask in every moment of it. Go and be spoiled!

Spoken For by Mercy Me

Take this world from me

                                                 I don't need it anymore

                                                     I am finally free

                                                  My heart is spoken for

                                                   Oh and I praise you

                                                 Oh and I worship you...

                                           Covered by your love divine

                                                Child of the risen Lord

                                          To hear you say "This one's mine"

                                                 My heart is spoken for

                                                  Now I have a peace

                                               I've never known before

                                                I find myself complete

                                                My heart is spoken for

                                            By the power of the cross

                                           You've taken what was lost

                                             And made it fully yours

                                            And I have been redeemed

                                             By you that spoke to me

                                              Now I am spoken for

What Does Abraham Lincoln Have to do With My Freedom in Christ?

2011-07-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

*This recycled post seemed appropriate for this weekend. Enjoy!

I came across this description of what it truly means to be free in Steve Brown's book A Scandalous Freedom and just had to share.

Abraham Lincoln went to a slave market. There he noted a young, beautiful African-American woman being auctioned off to the highest offer. He bid on her and won. He could see the anger in the young woman’s eyes and could imagine what she was thinking, Another white man who will buy me, use me, and then discard me.

As Lincoln walked off with his “property,” he turned to the woman and said, “You’re free.”

“Yeah. What does that mean?” she replied.

“It means that you’re free.”

“Does that mean I can say whatever I want to say?”

“Yes,” replied Lincoln, smiling, “it means you can say whatever you want to say.”

“Does it mean,” she asked incredulously, “that I can be whatever I want to be?”

“Yes, you can be whatever you want to be.”

“Does it mean,” the young woman said hesitantly, “that I can go wherever I want to go?”

“Yes, it means you are free and can go wherever you want to go.”

“Then,” said the young woman with tears welling up in her eyes, “I think I’ll go with you.”

That's what it's all about friends. Following Christ, going with Him because He loves us so much that He has set us free. Isn't it a beautiful picture? She could have run off and done her own thing, but she wanted to be with the one that shocked her by giving her unexpected freedom. Let's stop living as if we are in bondage and enjoy the freedom we have in Christ. You and I are free...really.

You Just Might...

2011-06-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

If you leave the beach...and all four of your kids are sound asleep...and you stop at Costco to grab a pizza...and they tell you it will be twenty-five minutes; your kids that were asleep just might wake up grumpy...and when you return to the car they just might be screaming and yelling and crying and hitting and throwing pink cowgirl boots.

Your car windows might all be down and people might stare and you might feel like crying...but then you remember your friends at the beach praying over you and asking God to give you grace and for your kids to have grace because you had that look in your eye and they knew your husband wouldn't be home that night.

You just might remember that you don't have to cry or get angry because He is helping you. You just might remember that even if you do decide to cry and get angry or feel sorry for yourself that He will still love you more than you can imagine and that your friends prayed about that too. You might feel really loved in that moment of chaos. You just might see Christ at Costco.

And when you get home...and get the kids fed and beach towels washed you just might be surprised by God's grace. You're heart may be moved from the annoyance you have felt towards them the past few days, the wishing you could just have a few moments alone, to wanting to share your evening.

You just might even share the gilato you bought for yourself for after they went to bed because you remember how nice it is to be loved.

You just might be surprised by God's grace when you want to read to them before bed instead of having to read to them.

You just might think about how Christ has loved you in your imperfection and you just might find it effortless to be nice because you have stopped trying to do it in your own strength...and then you remember being prayed over for that very thing.

You just might get the kids to bed with ease and sit down with some gilato and wonder why your body doesn't radiate pain the way it likes to after a day at the beach and you think about God's grace. You just might be surprised at how things turned out. You just might reflect on the day and the way your heart was changed and motivated when you were reminded that He is never angry and always loves to give grace. You just might...

The Gospel is for Moms

2011-06-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:10

"Mom, do you wish that you could go to work all day instead of Daddy? You seem like you do because you are always frustrated."

Gulp...seriously what is a mom supposed to do with that?

The few hours leading up to this statement from my eight year old weren't the best. I had been frustrated, very frustrated. I had been selfish and grumpy in my exhaustion. I had most definitely not loved him perfectly.

I didn't take the statement lightly. It hadn't come out of retaliation. It was an honest question. I was thankful for the short window into his heart because there was truth there. I rarely say his name without a sigh...poor guy.

After giving him some lame answer I started to panic. Was this true? Am I ALWAYS frustrated? My poor kids are suffering if this is the case. I need to try harder. I need to smile more and sigh less. I need to do more.

I tried the, "No I'm a great mom. I just took them to the movies and even bought them popcorn" route. I texted my husband to ask what he thought. I needed affirmation, someone's approval. Someone to tell me I am a good and loving mom.

The truth is crushing. I'm not a good mom. None of us are and that's hard to admit. I don't love them like I should. I can't love them like I should.

That's why I need Jesus! That's why you need Jesus!

I need His perfect love, His righteousness, His patience. I need it so bad. I'm tired, exhausted, frustrated and impatient. I find myself once again running to Him in my weakness and comforted by His love. It is only through Him that I can be kind at all. His love fuels me. I have nothing of myself left to muster.

Listen to me friends, nothing that you have done, are doing or ever will do can ever change the way He loves you. You are His precious child, made perfect in your weakness. Made lovely in your ugliness.

The mother that you long to be in your children's eyes is exactly the mother you are to Him. He adores you in your anger. He loves you in your laziness. He desires to be with you when no one else does because you've been a jerk.

Because of Christ...you are perfectly loved when you love imperfectly.

Because of Christ...you are perfectly forgiven when you forgive imperfectly.

Because of Christ...you are perfectly righteous although you are imperfect.

Rejoice in your weakness today, run to Him and let the power of Christ rest upon you knowing that you are loved. Then fueled by His love, in your weakness, go and love them...imperfectly.

A Testimony of God's Sovereign, Unexplainable, Undeserved Grace

2011-06-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

When I heard Mary Baker give her testimony to the women at our church I knew I wanted to share it. What I love is that although it is not a shock and awe kind of testiomony, like many of ours, it is what she calls "a picture of God's sovereign, unexplainable, undeserved grace."

Went to Church – Stopped Going to Church

My parents are believers – both were saved when they were 18 and are the only ones to believe in their families. So my family went to church when I was young. But when I was six, shortly after my sister was born, my family stopped going to church for various reasons – my parents were in a financial, marital, faith and church crisis. We didn’t go to church for ten years.

My parents raised me with Christian morals, and probably taught me the Bible, although I don’t remember it ever sinking in. If people asked what religion my family was, I would say that we were “non-practicing Christians”, whatever that meant. I believed in God, and possibly even that He was the Creator, but I didn’t know who Jesus was and I had never even wondered. I was blind to the truth. I didn’t know or see how God was guiding my life.

“Good Girl” Reputation Gone

On the outside, I was known as a “good girl” until 8th grade. I did what was good on the outside not because of a love for God, but because I feared my parents punishment. But around 8th grade I started intentionally seeking to destroy my “good girl” status. I got into drinking and smoking, mostly pot, and
impure relationships with boys, and did very well at hiding it from my parents. Most of all I just sought to prove to my peers and myself that I was cool because I wasn’t afraid to do bad things.

This increased until late into my junior year in high school, when my parents, who started to see that I was heading down a road to destruction, started praying hard for me, and my mom was praying especially that my dad would take us back to church. We had lived across the street from a church since I was in 7th grade, but had only gone on Christmas and Easter.

Toward the end of my junior year I hit a really low point in my rebellious self-seeking behavior – I betrayed a friend by stealing her boyfriend only to realize that he was secretly having a relationship with both of us. What I realized later was that God was saving me from making some huge mistakes with that guy. And he was humbling me because for the first time I was very hurt by a guy.

It was His kindness that I hit that low point. As a result, I told myself I was fed up with guys, and that I wasn’t going to have anymore boyfriends for a while. In a way I was seeing the emptiness of what I was consumed with. I was consumed with getting guys to notice me and getting people to think that I was something special. God had allowed me to be filled with emptiness, and was preparing my heart to hear and understand the truth for the first time.

“Back to Church”

By God’s providence and an answer to my mom’s prayers, one Saturday night, right around my low point, my dad declared to the family that we were going to start going to church (again) and that we would go every Sunday. My parents told me that I was required to go to church no matter what I did on Saturday night. I was not too happy about going to church at first, but God was already softening my heart.

I started going to the youth group regularly, even while continuing to party. I was exposed to the Bible and the Gospel many times but I don’t remember ever hearing it or really understanding who Jesus was.

Then the summer before my senior year I went to camp at hume lake with the youth group. On the last night of camp I heard the gospel for the first time and understood for the first time what Jesus had done for me. God had opened my eyes. So that night when the speaker shared the gospel, I was brought to tears and I knew that I believed what he was saying, but I was too afraid to go down for the altar call.

But I felt an urge to respond in some way – the Holy Spirit was pressing on my heart to cry out to God – to confess to Him that I needed Him.

Romans 10:9-10 “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”

The speakers all week had been talking about having a testimony for Christ. So I kept thinking “I believe what he is saying, but I don’t think I have a testimony, I don’t know what my testimony is, I need to have a testimony.” The speaker gave an altar call, but I was too scared to go down. Thankfully, when God calls us, when He chooses us, we are unable to thwart His sovereign grace by our fear or weakness or selfishness. He provided an opportunity for me to share what I was thinking with my youth pastor’s wife later that night and she led me to confess my sins and pray for forgiveness and ask for Jesus to be my Lord and God. After that I knew that I had this thing that they called a testimony – God’s story of the Gospel at work in my life.

“New Creation – Instant Conviction”

The next morning my family was coming to pick me up from camp bringing one of my friends and we were all going up to lake tahoe for a vacation. Before camp I had planned with my friend for her to bring alcohol and possibly marijuana. But the Holy Spirit had already convicted me that I couldn’t do that anymore – I didn’t have any desire to do that anymore. It was like I was a completely different person – it was like I was alive for the first time. I was suddenly and unexpectedly a new creation and no longer dead, but alive.

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.”

Ephesians 2:4-5 “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have beensaved…”

I had done nothing to deserve this – I hadn’t reasoned it out in my mind and come to a logical conclusion.

Romans 3:10-12 (quoting Ps. 14:1-3) “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”

One moment I was in the dark and could not see, and the next moment God let His light shine into the darkness of my heart and revealed His glory and goodness.

John 1:4-5 "In Him was life and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 6:44 “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him.”

John 15:16 “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, He may give it to you.”

Sanctification

Since that night at camp, God has been faithful to continue His good work in me, as He promises in Philippians 1:6 “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Although the Holy Spirit convicted me of some things right away, there have been other sins that have taken more time and things that God is still working out in me and will be until the day that I see Him face to face.

College – Passionate but Emotions Based Faith

God’s hand has been very evident in my life. He led me clearly to go to the college I went to. He provided an amazing group of strong Christian friends within the first week of being there. Most of those women are still my closest friends, such as Adrienne Behneman. In college, God filled me and my friends with a fire for Jesus, a hunger to know Him and His word. He grew my faith and strengthened it, especially through my experience studying abroad in Italy for a year.

However, in hindsight, my faith was often affected by emotions when I was in college. If I felt very passionate for Christ then I knew that He was near and felt secure in my relationship with Him. But if I didn’t feel passionate I would feel guilty, and would think that I must not have been reading the Bible enough or praying enough. I was driven to have radical experiences of Christ. What I didn’t realize then was that I was really seeking to feel good about myself – to feel that I was a good Christian with a lot of spiritual gifts. I had been taught that if I had enough faith I would experience God more or would have more spiritual gifts. My hope wasn’t entirely in Christ alone, but in myself and what I felt that I had to bring to the table as a Christian.

Law School – the Desert

My senior year I felt strongly that God was leading me to apply to law schools. I got into Pepperdine law school and felt peace that that was where God wanted me to go.

Law school turned out to be something of a desert. God started to reveal to me my dependence on having emotional experiences of God and my reliance on myself to keep His love.

For some reason I expected to have fellowship at Pepperdine, but I could barely find a single person with a like-minded desire to live for Christ. There were many people who claimed to be Christians but most lived in a way that seemed contradictory to me, and many people who claimed Christianity but also expressed anti-Christ ideologies. It was very hard for me to deal with the aloneness and with the hypocrisy around me. I am not completely sure why, but I think God allowed me to be weak so that He could reveal sin rooted deeply in my heart and purify me. Deep down, I had started to become proud of my Christian-ness – I thought that I was a really good Christian, a veteran Christian in a sense. I thought I was better than the other people who claimed to be Christians. However, I struggled at times with not FEELING passionate for Christ and being apathetic.

The result was that I felt very very guilty and I doubted God’s love for me. I believed that He was disappointed with me. How could He love me when I wasn’t passionate for Him even after knowing what Jesus had done for me?

Doubting the Gospel – Feelings Based Faith

By thinking that, I was doubting a core aspect of the Gospel, that Jesus’s death on the cross paid for ALL of my sin – past present and future – even my sin of not loving Him as I should. Even though I thought knew the gospel in my head, I didn’t fully believe it in my heart. I think that partly I didn’t fully believe the gospel because in college, I was taught that I had to contribute my part to salvation – I had to have faith to experience God, and if I didn’t have enough faith I might not experience Him as much as another person with more faith. Other things had started to be emphasized in my mind more than just the pure
and simple gospel, which is clearly stated in Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

We are saved by God’s grace through faith, faith that is not our own doing but is a gift from Him. Faith that He creates in our hearts.

Re-Learning the Gospel

In the last few years, God has blessed me so much through meeting David, my husband for almost a year and a half now, and through the ministry and fellowship of Valley Center Community Church. When I first met David he challenged my theology and understanding of the gospel. Although I was resistant
to him at first (I thought I was smarter than him, and possibly had more faith), God used Him to bring me to a deeper truer understanding of the gospel. Conversations with him caused me to see God’s sovereignty more clearly and my inability to do anything good apart from what the Holy Spirit does in me.

The Pastors and Elders of Valley Center and WWSJ have also been instruments in God’s hands to bring me back to fundamental truths of the Gospel, that Jesus paid it all – He bore all of God’s wrath toward me for my sin, and God has no more wrath or disappointment toward me. God sees me with Christ’s perfect record – just as if I had never sinned and just as if I had always obeyed.

God has reminded me that He chose me!

Ephesians 1:3-6 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious race, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.”

God has helped me to look back to when He first opened my eyes to the truth and to see how He so clearly revealed the gospel to me and gave me faith. It wasn’t because of anything that I had done but solely because of His sovereign grace in my life.

Hebrews 12:1-2 “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

The Failure we Feed

2011-06-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

The sock pile sits on the couch, my mom sits at home wondering if I'll call, the doctor"s office waits for me to make an appointment but here I sit again at the computer typing words to work through the funk.

Here's more; my bible sits unread and my prayer time neglected. And I still sit here typing words to work through the funk.

Yesterday I failed, today I failed and tomorrow I will fail.

My body aches because I haven't worked out, my house is undone because I haven't cleaned.

I think about my major screw up yesterday. Sharing information about someones kid when I knew it wasn't to be shared. Still waiting for the consequences. Waiting to get what I deserve.

I think about how I gossiped last week to some friends. Maybe I shouldn't hang out with them. It's hard to keep quiet when I'm with them.

Man, and was I a bad mom this morning or what? So demanding, barking out orders. How will my children ever want to come to Jesus when I can't even act like a decent Christian. I really suck!

Maybe I should be trying harder. Maybe I should be more organized, less lazy, use less excuses. Yeah I think that's it. I think if I can just get my ducks in a row and start obeying more and sinning less than I'll be o.k.

I know! I just need to love more. Love God, and my neighbor more than myself. I'll work on that. But first I really should have a quiet time.

I wonder what God thinks. Disappointed most likely. Who wouldn't be. I'm such a failure...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you enjoy my pity party? I'm glad you came. Would you like to tell me that I'm not as bad as I think I am? That I'm not a failure? Maybe you want to encourage me to keep trying. How about some verses on "fighting the good fight" and "running the race?"

My friends, this is me without Christ. This is where my mind goes and it goes fast. Give me the law, watch me fight to fulfill it and then cringe as I have a complete breakdown. It just can't be done. That's why we need the law, to crush us. Then and only then will we see Christ as the one and only Savior of our failures.(Romans 8:3-4)

Where do you go when the funk sets in? Is it a new system? A vow to try harder and be better? Do you tell yourself you're really not that bad and then try to prove it by listing all the great things you've done today? Maybe you run to the law and try to be "good" so that you will please God. Maybe you run from God out of fear of condemnation.

For many years I lived in a prison of failure. A life of believing that God was disappointed with my failings. A life of trying hard and falling hard. Don't get me wrong. I still go there. I'm pretty sure we all do but I don't stay long these days. I've come to see that working harder and trying to be better is not what it's about. It's not about me trying not to fail.

I never get tired of what Steve Brown has been saying for a long time:

"The only people that get better are the people who know that if they never get better, God will love them anyway. What's more, God will not only love you if you don't get any better; He will teach you that getting better isn't even the issue. His love is the issue."

Did you read that? Getting better isn't the issue! Our failures aren't the issue. The issue is what Christ has done. The bloody, gory, tragic murder on the cross is the issue. His rejection, oppression and anguished soul are the issue. Read Isaiah 53 and rejoice in what He has done for your soul.

I'm a failure, you're a failure...we're all failures. That's why we need Jesus. The law can not make us righteous. It can not give us the grace and mercy that we need. "I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." Galatians 2:21

I am not at all surprised by my faltering steps today. I know my heart and I know right where it goes. It tells me dirty lies and it twists the truth. I want to tell myself how good I am. I want to prove my worthiness but this, sweet friends, is why He came to die. Because I am a failure I need a Savior.

Please hear me when I say He's not disappointed when you fail and He's not any more pleased with you when you succeed. We serve a loving, mighty God that has lavishly poured His grace on us and has given us mercy in our failures. He requires nothing to earn it and nothing can lose it. How awesome is that? So let's get off of that hard chair of the law, stop focusing on our failures and soak in a bath of grace in awe of His mercy.

Stop It! Just Stop It!

2011-06-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

Do you want to bless a friend this week? Maybe you want to invite an unbeliever over that you met at the park. How about that new mom at church that could use some time out of the lonely house of a newborn? Or maybe that newlywed wife that wants you to mentor her.

I have an idea. Have them over. Share your home with them. Talk. Encourage.

Um..OK. Simple, right?

Let's try again. Have them over. Share your home with them. Talk. Encourage.

If you're like me you read my words but you heard, "get that laundry pile off of the chair, vacuum the floor, clear off the counter, go to the store for some food, give the kids a bath, bake a bundt cake, brush the dog, pick up the toys, sweep the front porch, set out fresh flowers, etc..."

Can I just say something? Promise not to be mad? OK

STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!

Now I'm talking to myself here, really. I'm hosting a large group for dinner this week and my heart has gone to ugly places and I need to STOP IT!

Think about the last time someone that you thought couldn't possibly have any messes, revealed their mess to you. Whether it was a drop-in visit and you saw that she lives just like you or a confession of a sin or fear that you were sure she couldn't possibly struggle with. Didn't you just let your breath out? What a relief to know that everyone else is just like you. What freedom!

My friends, let's be honest. Invite someone into your mess this week. Show her what your life is really like. Shock her with your sin and then give her Jesus. It may be just what her soul is needing and it might just be good for you too.

What we all Need

2011-06-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

After a lame text to a friend about how I am a mean mom yesterday I received this response, "Um, you are a really mean mom...so am I...that's why we need Jesus." Maybe you'd be angry if your friend agreed because usually we just try to prove to each other that we really aren't that bad but I was thankful for my friend's honest response. Instead of telling me that I'm not as bad as I think I am she pointed me to the one and only true Savior that can save me from myself.

What is it that we need? What do our children need? We need Christ, we need the good news of the gospel. Being nice gets us(parents) and them(our kids) nowhere without Christ.

Read what Elyse and Jessica say about this in their book Give Them Grace:

"Most of us are painfully aware that we're not perfect parents. We're also deeply grieved that we don't have perfect kids. But the remedy to our mutual imperfections isn't more law, even if it seems to produce tidy or polite children. Christian children (and their parents) don't need to learn to be "nice." They need death and resurrection and a Savior who has gone before them as a faithful high priest, who was a child himself, and who lived and died perfectly in their place. They need a Savior who extends the offer of complete forgiveness, total righteousness, and indissoluble adoption to all who believe. This is the message we all need. We need the gospel of grace and the grace of the gospel. Children can't use the law any more than we can, because they will respond to it the same way we do. They'll ignore it or bend it or obey it outwardly for selfish purposes, but this one thing is certain: they won't obey it from the heart, because they can't. That's why Jesus had to die."pg 17

Join Intentional Womanhood as she reads through and discusses Give Them Grace. Just like her facebook page and start reading!

How Can I Love My Children?

2011-06-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

*Here's a recycled post from a little while back...because I'm so "green!"

Today was not one of my best parenting days.

Really in my opinion I don't have any good parenting days. That's because I'm just like you. I'm a flawed sinner who has no ability to produce anything good outside of God's plan (Romans 3:23). I am thankful that whatever I do or do not do with my children today will not add to or take away from His plan for them.

Sometimes I forget.

"Your screwing this up Kimm." Was the whisper heard in my ear all day today. I was fighting for control over four kids that were fighting for control over me. I should have known it would be this way. It always is after we are sick. I've just spent a week serving myself and struggling spiritually with the affirmation of God's love for me while they have laid on the couch watching movies, playing video games and not being parented all that much.

That's just how it goes.

I don't think I was being lazy.

We were just in survival mode.

All day I have struggled with trying harder to be nice, to get things under control, to make myself love them. I was calling out to God for help yet couldn't seem to see what needed changing. Now I see it.

I'm not going to be nice to my kids, husband, friends etc. in my own power. I'm not going to sin less by trying harder.

My problem was spiritual.

I could not be kind to my kids because I was forgetting God's kindness to me. I was forgetting that when I draw near to Him He draws near to me and when that happens then I am motivated to love others. I want to serve them, I want to be kind to them and love them because He first loved me. No ounce of me trying harder is going to give me genuine love for my children especially when they are being difficult.

Now I am not saying that we are to sit on the couch and wait for the Lord to motivate us to care for our children. No, the Bible calls us into obedience. What I am saying is that when we are so saturated in the remembrance of the love that God has lavished on us through Christ's sacrifice we will be moved to love our children. That is when we will see the fruit of our obedience.

Here is a good illustration of this from my own life.
Last night I was a mess. I hadn't slept much all week and Justin could see that I was about to lose it. Because my husband loves me he suggested that I go to bed early and that he would sleep on the couch as not to disturb me. I woke up at 9:00 am! Justin had sacrificed his morning and went to work late because he wanted me to get the rest that I needed. I wasn't expecting this from him. It was a sacrificial act of kindness and love on his part. It made me want to serve my husband and brother in Christ that much more.

That's how it is with my obedience to Christ. When I am in my right mind and thinking of all that He has done to save me from myself and how He reached down and chose me, His enemy, to be one of His own I can't help but want to obey. I can't help but want to serve my children. And in light of that, the bible tells us that we have the power to do every good thing through Him (2 Peter 1:3).

Serving Christ means loving my children. It means being kind and patient. It means being obedient to my calling as a mother. The only way that I can do it genuinely is to look upon the cross for the power to sacrifice my wants.

When you've had a really bad day with your kids, boss, husband or whomever and you just don't think it can be redeemed remember that He has already redeemed it for you. You can go forward and love them when you remember that you were loved first.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us."

1 John 4:18-19

Waiting for the Coin to Drop

2011-06-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have several people in my life who have told me that they "get" the gospel in their head but don't quite feel it in their heart. They want the freedom that comes with the gospel but are still living in the ingrained patterns of the law that has been preached to them. Is this you? Are you free in your head AND your heart or are you still waiting for the coin to drop?

If this is you, don't give up. It's a process. Like a coke machine, the coin hasn't dropped yet. I've been there. The idea is still in your head and you need to shake it around a bit until it drops into your heart and when it does you'll have to go back, put another coin in and do it all over again. That's what we all do. Like I've said before, we must keep preaching the gospel to ourselves daily, hourly, minute by minute lest that coin gets stuck and we forget. Sometimes it only takes a gentle nudge other times a big kick. Just keep preaching to yourself!

Here are just a few resources that have helped me and continue to minister to me daily.
*I highly recommend Steve Brown's books:

And:

*You can also listen to the Scandalous Freedom podcast series on Steve Brown etc.

*Pastor Tullian is doing an awesome series on grace. Listen here, here and here for the first three parts.

*There is also a lovely blog post on grace over here.

*And because you all know how I feel about Elyse's stuff I will tell you again to go read this book:

Now go my friends, and be free!

Unfolding Arms

2011-06-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

"Grace doesn't free you from God's call to obey. No, grace means you don't have to obey in order to be free." Paul Tripp

As I turned around I saw my eight year old laying back down in the sand. My anger started to rise and I rushed to shame him. I had asked him to get cleaned off like everyone else was doing and his little boy self got bored and chose disobedience for one more minute of beach pleasure.

I was a jerk. I let him know I was not happy and that he hadn't pleased me and that it was...really...frustrating! I get this way with him often. He loses focus so fast and so do I.

Shamed into obedience by his mother he got himself up and I rubbed him down with the towel with no sense of gentleness. I was making sure that he knew he had really annoyed me and he wasn't going to get off easy. He was quiet and cooperative...or maybe just scared.

After he had done what I wanted I began to see my sin. I asked him for forgiveness for my harshness and impatience...the usual plea with him. I hugged him and he was happy. I however, still felt that it wasn't right. I was hanging on to the guilt. A guilt that was paid for.

The long drive home from the beach with sleepy, quiet kids, gave me time to think. I thought about how often I shame them into obedience. I thought about how this was the only way that my parents knew how to get me to obey as a child. Lay the guilt on thick and they'll be too scared to mess up. I thought about how this is the way many parents train...many pastors shepherd...many wives control...many Christians spur. It's not the way to obedience. It's not the way of the gospel.

So how can I brake this cycle? How can I not shame my kids into obedience? How can I motivate them to obey?

2 John 1:6 says "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." This is love! Not shame or guilt. True obedience comes from love. As my pastor would say "Our obedience is the great big AMEN that comes out of our lives."

There is nothing more motivating than the gospel.The gospel tells me of a father that loves me so much that in my worst of worst ways He paid the penalty for me that I may not have to live in my shame. He willingly heaped that on himself. My shame...on Him...amazing! Just as He has done this for me He has done it for my children as well and they need to know.

Christ endured my shame because He knew that I could never do enough to pay for my sin. He has freed me from a life of despair.

I can not free my children the way I have been freed from guilt and condemnation. Only Christ can do that. What I can do is give them Christ. I can tell them how His love is unconditional, that If we are in Him He never shakes his finger at us. He never says "tsk tsk... now if you really loved me you'd try harder." I can tell them how much I am loved in my disobedience. I can come to Him in my weakness and ask Him to direct my heart and theirs into the steadfast love of Christ Jesus (2 Thes. 3:5).

I know that tomorrow I will slip. It will be more convenient to lay on the guilt with a sigh or a look or even another lecture that gets them moving. But when I do just that, He is there waiting. Not with arms folded as I would be but with arms open wide welcoming me without question. My children will be there too, and because Christ opened His arms for me I can unfold my arms for them and stop giving them the stink eye.

Rejoice!

2011-06-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that God is rejoicing over you with gladness? You, yes you. On your best day and your worst!

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

All I Have...

2011-06-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

So here I sit in the waiting room of the surgery center...blogging on my iPhone.

Justin's dad is having his third and hopefully final surgery for colon cancer.

As we drove to beautiful LaJolla with the five and under crowd whining about scones in the backseat the Lord filled my heart. I thought about the conversation I had with my mom yesterday. My dear mom wanted to comfort as all moms want to do but didn't know what to say. Her advice, from an unbelieving heart, was that all we could do was put our trust in the doctors. It made my heart sad. It made me think about where my trust is.

I have learned alot about trust over the past few years. I've seen where my heart wanders. When I put my trust in anything but my savior then I am an anxious, fearful mess. If I put my trust in doctors they will fail me. If I put my trust in my children I will be crushed. My husband, my finances, my work, my health, they are but empty hope waiting to disappoint.

Sometimes I think I know my heart but then when pressed I spring a leak. As we pulled up to the hospital I became agitated. Looking for a parking space and listening to Homer Simpson on the GPS telling me i was going the wrong way was all it took to show me that I wasn't where I thought I was. That's when my weakness was revealed.That's when Justin suffered from my sin. That's when I ran to Him. That's when I remembered that He isn't done.

The gospel tells me that Christ's work continues. It tells me of His continued love for me. A love that didn't end with a sacrificial death. It has continued in His ascension. His work is not done and I have something that I can continue to trust. A loving Savior who is praying, who intercedes and covers me in my mistrust.

My dears, I waiver and I collapse when I should be trusting, yet He never fails me. When my heart is not entangled with those things that I think can give me hope I am comforted in the work that has been done and is yet to be done for me. I continue to waiver but I am drawn back to the cross where I will find my hope and put my trust in what will never fail. A dying love, a living ascension and an unfailing trust.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

2011-05-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

Geldie from Who's Your Groom is our winner this week. Here's her comment: Retweeted; reposted on FB and now leaving a comment! Would love ! Love a signed copy of "Give Them Grace". Elyse & Jessica are my favorite women...who love the Lord and want to serve Him with their whole hearts. Can't wait to hear them speak on their book @ WDW in July.

Thanks for all the Twitter and FB love Geldie! Send me your address: kimmy(at)crandalls(dot)net and come say "hi" at Women Discipling Women. I'd love to meet you!

For those of you who faithfully played along...uh hum (Stacia) and did not win you can go here and order your copy of Give Them Grace and with the coupon code GTG you can get a second one half off!

Or better yet, join Elyse and Jessica at the IBCD Summer Institute pre-conference. Forty bucks gets you four hours of Give Them Grace, lunch, a free book and yours truly sitting behind a book table trying not to screw up the credit card machine.

Life without Littles

2011-05-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just need to get away.

Justin REALLY needed to get away. I thought he might not come back.

I took pictures of myself while Justin swam. Don't I look relaxed?

One last drink before going home to my folded laundry and "Spike" the horny toad.

Helping Them When it Hurts

2011-05-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; Isaiah 66:13

One of the hardest jobs as a parent has been that of having to deliver bad news to my kids. When they were little it was easier. Now that I have a ten year old it's getting harder.

Today is one of those days for me. I'll be breaking it to my oldest that her best friend of four and a half years is moving away. Far away.

As I spotted the old cowboy boots by the door that my girl passed on to her BFF, I broke. She left them here the last time she spent the night. It was too long ago. My thoughts went immediately to regret. We should have had her over more the past few weeks. I hate that we have been so busy.

We knew this day was coming. We prayed against it. Praying that her daddy would get a job since graduating from seminary. We had hoped our time would be longer. We hoped we would at least have the summer. It hurts all of us to see them go.

I spotted my little girl's cupcake on the counter. The one she didn't have time to eat at her performance last night. I thought about dropping the bomb and handing her the cupcake. As if that would sooth the hurt. I know how bad that cupcake would taste. I'd been given countless cupcakes and empty promises as a child. It never filled my hurt. It's all my parents knew. It's all they could give.

I have something so much more than a cupcake to give my little girl. I have the hope of Christ. Today I will free fall into grace, step out on that diving board of faith and know that He is waiting to catch me.

As parents it's our job to tell our kids their dog died, their favorite chicken was killed, their grandpa has cancer, their friend's dad that we prayed for went to be with Jesus. It's our job even when it hurts. I don't have to be strong when I tell her. We will cry together like we've done before. I don't have my strength to give her. Not today.

Today all I can give her is His strength and His promises. Not empty promises like "you'll find another BFF" or "we'll have so and so over alot this summer". What I want to give her are the promises of His faithfulness. Promises that will carry her through.

A promise that He knows her sorrow “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” Mark 14:34

A promise that He will comfort her " Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

A promise that His plans are good "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

And the most comforting promise of all, He will give her grace "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

Give Them Grace...Winner!

2011-05-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

I had a little help from my sweet, cute, darling daughter this time. She really is excited about picking a piece of paper out of the "magic bag". Can't you tell?

I can feel the excitement

And the winner is Deanna! Don't ya feel loved? I think this face had something to do with having to split a yogurt with her brother.

Deanna was my only facebook entry. She kinda made that up:) But since she lives in a far away land I'll go with it. Here's what she said,
"I want to enter your drawing please :) I so want to demonstrate God's grace to my children... especially difficult with my oldest at the moment. I want him to know that I will always love him no matter how right or wrong he behaves. It's... so easy to get caught up with his performance and to get so irritable with him for not getting it "right"! And then I remember how gracious, kind, and loving God is with me - cause most the time I don't get it right either."

If you want to be like Deanna you can join me on facebook too! Look for my Life with Littles page and like me...because I know you do :)

Thanks to everyone who left comments! I enjoyed reading your thoughts and they were also shared with Elyse and Jessica. Maybe I should have told you that before :) Ha ha, your words were encouraging to them and I hope that you will go here and order Give Them Grace right now. You can get 35% off your order of $25.00 or more if you order today. This is the last day of the sale so don't wait!

God's Love in a Drive Thru

2011-05-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

The Lord met me in some unexpected ways this week. A week filled with field trips, sickness, baseball, pain, cup cakes, sleep overs, tantrums, birthdays and no time to breath. I honestly felt that I didn't have time to feel God's love for me this week, it was all too overwhelming.

Sometimes life is like that. Sometimes our weeks are dry. Sometimes we feel as if we are drowning. But if we look, He is there.

My little guy and I had an early morning date with a friend. Thirty minutes was all she had by the the time we got there because of morning traffic. An amazing thirty minutes that encouraged, convicted and blessed my soul. We could have chatted about the rain or our plans for the summer but she dug right in. She asked about a relationship, she asked about how it was going with the small group Justin and I recently took over, she asked about my health and encouraged me as I cried. Then she drove with me to an ATM and lent me money to do my shopping with because I forgot to bring my wallet to town.

I drove away from that short thirty minutes with much to ponder but the one thing that came to me was praise for how God had loved me through her. He does that. It wasn't expected. It was grace.

Again, today the Lord has shown me His love. This time it was in a drive thru.

Where I live there is only one drive thru. Yep one little greasy joint with a port-a-potty out back. They serve Mexican food and hamburgers, have really bad coffee and can't quite get the orders right.

It wasn't surprising that we pulled up behind one of our friends. She's new to VC so I went and told her how to order then I hopped in her car. We laughed about a few things, talked about this book that I want to read and then I shared my thoughts on a book that she had loaned me. We talked about how we had both come to a point in our lives (for her 15 years ago, for me just recently) when we realized that nobody had it together. Nobody is fully sanctified. I told her that when she shared with us at church about her life that I was glad to know that we weren't the only ones who didn't know what the heck was going on. We talked about how we never will.

Our time was short but I got out of her car encouraged. My chips were stale and I had to go back in and get the two quesadillas they shorted us but I felt loved by God. I was so discouraged and fearful of how I would get through yet another busy week but the Lord gave me what I needed even when I wasn't looking for it. It was yet another gift of unexpected grace.

Now I'm not trying to over-spritualize my drive thru experience. I have plenty of chats and encounters with friends that are just that. But I do believe that the Lord meets needs that we may not even know we have by sending us gifts of grace. Little snippets of fellowship with someone outside of our world. Someone that's not on the same sinking ship as you to give perspective. To help you to see outside of yourself and your problems. To see that we are in this together. To remind you that there is a God.

My unsolicited advice for you:

As you go about your hectic week and you are feeling dry, not seeing where Christ is in your chaos, look for clues of God's mercy. Look for the little snippets of His greater story. His love is there, in everything you do whether you see it or not. He is working in your life like a behind the scenes orchestra conductor, making sense of all the noise and wanting you to hear it. And when you do, praise His name for such a beautiful gift that He has lavished upon your soul. The gift of grace.

I will recount the steadfast love of the LORD, the praises of the LORD, according to all that the LORD has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love.

Isaiah 63:7

Kinda Clingy

2011-05-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

There's something comforting to me when I ask another mom for advice and she tells me that she really doesn't know what she is doing but points me to Christ. It doesn't happen often but when it does I am always taken aback, convicted and encouraged all at the same time.

I don't think I do that very well. I mean, admit that I just don't know. I am quick to spit out a list of suggestions or the ever not so humble "this is how I do it." But as my kids are growing and I am growing I see more and more that I don't know what the heck I am doing.

I have been struggling with this reality so much lately. I like to be in charge. I like to know what happens next. I need to have a plan. Or so I think. But there is something so humbling and so beautiful in recognizing that it is all out of your control.

When my first two were itty bitty I had a nice talk with a mom of ten. She was encouraging me and I was asking questions because in my mind if you've made it to ten children then you must know everything. Her advice to me was to look at people's kids that are older than yours and if you like what you see ask them lots of questions. Wait...what? I took this advice as the gospel. I thought it was the "good news" that I had been searching for.

So this is what I did. I was a leach. I'd attach myself to these moms who were freely sharing how they did "this" and didn't do "that" with their children. I studied books and blogs about how to do all the right things. I became quite skilled at schedules, chore charts, health foods, herbs and aprons. All the while becoming legalistic and dependent on my own efforts. A far cry from what the gospel of Christ tells me.

I had no idea what it meant to cling to Christ. That was for those who hadn't had things figured out yet . Oh I was (and am) so prideful. So blinded by my works righteousness. I was clinging to a self-salvation. I thought I could earn my way.

And then He moved in. He began to strip everything that I had put my trust in down to nothing. It was so painful and such a hard lesson to learn but only something that a loving God would do for me. I had trusted in myself and my own good works for far too long. It was time that I learned how to cling.

I lived in fear during those difficult years (yes years) of what would become of my kids. I mean how could we have any sense of order in our home and influence over our children if I was not controlling each and every situation. What would become of them if we didn't home school or if we let them eat sugar?

What did clinging to Him have to do with a meek and quite spirit? I needed a list. I needed to know what I should be praying, what to say when the kids weren't doing their work, how to handle the lunch menu. Elyse Fitzpatrick says it so well, "It is much harder to rest in his promise of grace than it is to make a list and try to live by it."

He continues to be patient with me when I seek the the lists and the need for someone to tell me what to do. He leaves me alone until I start clinging and then He starts answering. He doesn't give me suggestions, He doesn't always give me solutions. He gives me peace when I seek it. He shows me my heart when I want to know how to change theirs. He causes me to hate my sin of self righteousness and see that clinging is for the weak.

So I am thankful to be in a place that I can say "I don't know what the heck I'm doing." It's a good place. It's a seeking help every minute of the day place. A constant battle against works righteousness place. It's a free falling freaked out hair standing on end place. It's a beautiful place.

"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousnesswere through the law,then Christ died for no purpose." Galatians 2:21

Being Human

2011-05-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Some people were put here on earth to instruct and some are here for comic relief." These words were the wise counsel from a friend after telling her that I just dropped my son off at school in his socks and I was trying to figure out what was wrong with our family.

Socks.

No shoes.

Just socks.

As my almost eight year old refused to get out of the car this morning I quickly grew impatient. That impatience quickly grew into fear. Was he too sick for school? I can't keep him home, that would ruin "my" plans.

Then like usual the fear grew into anger. "What is wrong? You need to get out now! Why are you doing this?" were my demanding words. Then...I see his foot. His sock, no shoe.

"What? Where are your shoes? Did you get in the car without any shoes? What were you doing?" I continued. "I am not driving fourty minutes round trip to bring you a pair of shoes. UGH!"

I probably should have been praying in this moment but I wasn't. I rarely do. I started the downward spiral of feeling as though somehow if I was a better mom, person, wife, Christian then we wouldn't keep showing up places half dressed. But I stopped.

I recalled my week. The missed baseball game, the forgotten cub scout meeting. The people who were harsh with me because I had messed up. Being human is imperfect. What was I expecting?

My little boy was simply displaying his humanity. His imperfection. His forgetting to put on shoes was not an early sign of rebellion. No, he simply had a brain fart and needed love.

I forgot to ask for forgiveness for being harsh. I forgot to point him to Christ. I simply told him of the time that I showed up in my slippers to work out at the gym. I told him everyone does it once in a while. We had a good laugh and I watched him run off to class in his unmatching, mud stained socks feeling free.

We've Picked a Winner!

2011-05-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

With a little help from the five and under crowd we have picked a winner for the Give Them Grace book give away!

And the winner is...

syschulz tells us how she found Christ in her chaos this week:

As I listened to Easter Sunday sermon, I was reminded that it was by God's grace that I am saved....then I saw two of my kids sitting next to me PLAYING and not listening to the sermon, I was immediately reminded of their needs for Christ. How I wish I can save them and give them a new heart(Good thing I can't, I would have done a terrible job)!!! All I am called to do is to "give them grace" and teach them the WAY they should go...the rest I have to trust the Lord.

Congrats friend! Please send your mailing info to kimmy(at)crandalls(dot)net and I will send the book asap.

Thank you everyone for your participation. I loved reading your comments about Christ in your chaos and hope to hear from you again.

Sunday After Sunday

2011-05-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

Sundays mornings...

Some go more smoothly than others.

Pinched fingers, tears all around. Gum helps sooth my three year old so we can get him in the car. My five year old is found hiding under a blanket because she feels so horrible for shutting the door on him. She probably would have been left behind if I hadn't stopped to fold the blanket. It would have been a first...for her at least.

Big kids in the back seat arguing, we pull in the church parking lot. Our suburban is recognizable as the Crandalls because the kids have written their names in the thick dust that blankets the back windows.

Unloading the car I see that the littlest is shoeless and two children are wearing the same clothes that they wore the previous day and slept in after getting home late. I knew this. They passed the smell and stain inspection prior to leaving the house. Sigh...at least everyone brushed their teeth.

After borrowing a little girl's extra pair of boots for my boy we head across the parking lot and clamor into church. I sit down with a sigh...looking forward to some much needed worship and fuel.

As we stand and sing I close my eyes and try to worship but I'm distracted. Looking down the row I see my ten year old doing her homework, my seven year old drawing monsters and shredding the paper, my five year old crying and my three year old complaining about his hurt finger.

I ~~demand~~ encourage them to put their things down and join us in worship. My mind goes to fear. Fear of what the people around us might think. Do they think we are bad parents? Why are the kids so apathetic? What am I doing wrong? Why won't they sing? I suck!

um...o.k.

Thankfully my little freak out was not long lasting. The Lord allowed me to see my motivation. Fear drives my need for control with my kids, as if I could really make or break them. My fear soon turns to love and I find the grace that I need to rest in Him.

I remember that they are just like me only a less refined version. Their neatness and quietness is not what the Lord is seeking. It's their hearts. It's my heart.

I am reminded that I am not bringing my kids to Him as an offering. No amount of good manners will turn their hearts to Him. It's not my job to save them nor sanctify them. It's not their job to make me look good. Admitting our need for a savior and praying that their hearts are captured by Him so that they will be motivated towards worship is where I put my mind. I am thankful for an approachable God that requires nothing of me or them.

Sunday after Sunday, I will bring them to the feast, clean or not. I will pray that they partake and be filled with what only Christ can offer. And when I see their apathy I won't despair because there is no motivation greater for myself or them than the ever life changing gospel. It is in Christ alone that my children are saved.

*Don't forget to go here and read about the new parenting book Give Them Grace. Make sure you leave a comment for your chance to win a free copy signed by the authors. You have til midnight tonight. The winner will be announced tomorrow, May 2nd. Good luck!

Give Them Grace...A Book Review

2011-04-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Order your copy of Give Them Grace here.

I was recently at a book store with my family browsing the "Christian Spirituality" section to see if they had anything decent. I came across a few interesting titles. The first book promised me that if I "read this book and follow the simple principles, I'd have a new kid by Friday. Guaranteed!" Wow, now that's a big promise. The second book I found was claiming to be "magic" and teaches effective parenting in three straightforward steps.

What was stopping me from buying these books that promised better behavior for my kids and happier moments for me? Who would pass that up?

A few years back I had vowed never to read another parenting book again. I had read what I was going to read and was a very good student. I had followed the directions and clung to the promises. I had followed the "law" of parenting only to come out harsh, demanding and hopeless. Yes, my kids could sit in church, do a long list of chores and knew the answers to their shorter catechism questions but where were their hearts? Most importantly where was mine?

I was embarrassed and frustrated when my children would fail. I was despairing when I would fail. There was no room for grace on the strict list of what I thought a good parent or a well behaved child was. My outwardly compliant children were praised for being godly while my strong willed children were a source of endless disappointment.

As my life began to be shaped more and more by the gospel and I gained more freedom I was still clinging to a life of law filled parenting. I knew that something needed to change. How could I apply the principles of what excited me so much about the gospel to my parenting? I certainly couldn't tell my children that God still loved them even if they didn't obey. Or could I?

While I had just begun to think through these things I had heard that Jessica Thompson was to give a workshop on giving your kids grace. Hmmm...did that mean I should over look their disobedience? Was I not to be having any rules in the house? I was definitely interested in what she had to say.

Well, Jessica's workshop soon developed into the writing of a book with her mom Elyse Fitzpatrick and they have just released Give Them Grace...dazzling your kids with the love of Jesus.
Give Them Grace is not just another parenting book. There is no method, list of rules or promises for better kids. It is a simple, straight forward, biblical presentation of how the gospel is for parents and children as well.

As someone who can walk away from a conversation with the clerk at the grocery store wanting to try harder I can say that I don't feel this way upon reading or listening to what these ladies have to say. I'm not motivated to get started on becoming a better parent. I am encouraged to be reminded that I'm never going to get it right and that there is only one perfect parent (God) and one perfect son (Jesus). I am not filled with a false hope that if I "follow the proven program" then my children will be transformed. No. I am filled with the hope that all of the forgiveness, love and mercy that I have waiting for me at the foot of the cross is offered to my children as well. This changes the way I view my kids whether they are a little law breaker or law keeper.

Give Them Grace will encourage you as a parent by dazzling you with the love of Christ so that you can in turn dazzle your children. Good bye law centered guilt ridden parenting, hello freedom.

Now that you are dying to read this new book I'll tell you a secret. I have one copy of Give Them Grace signed by the authors to give away to one randomly picked reader.

The rules are easy. Just leave me a comment and tell me how you have found Christ in your chaos this week. Or if the baby is crying, the toddler is biting and your older kids are flinging their pencils at each other then just tell me that you want it. The winner will be announced this coming Monday, May 1st.

If you want to skip the nonsense of a contest all together you can pre-order the book from here.

Every Morning

2011-04-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Every morning I seem to wake up with the same agenda. MY kingdom come...MY will be done.

It's inevitable.

My kids wake up with that same agenda as well.

It doesn't take long before someone has cried about something or yelled at someone and it's not always just the kids. I start down the road to despair. "Why am I such a jerk? I'm such a bad mom! What is wrong with me? I'll never get this right."

And then slowly, very slowly, I begin to get my bearings. I begin to emerge from the belief that the day is all about me. I ask the Lord to help me to do His will. I remember that it's not about advancing my kingdom. I ask Him to use me to advance His.

I remind myself that my children are sinners as well. I pray and ask the Lord to move in their hearts, that they would see His love. I repent and move on in His love knowing that He is working on my self righteousness and theirs...it's a silent progress.

Every morning is about death. A death of my agenda. A death of my advancement.
But more importantly a death that fulfilled my life as a parent. A death that satisfied the wrath of God so that I could be free to live in the light of God's love. A death so sacrificing that I can't help but run to my children for forgiveness and tell them how beautiful He is.

Every morning.

Just Like Me

2011-04-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to think about how much your kids are really like you? They may look like you or have the same mannerisms as you. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the fact that they are daily battling sin...just like you.

The second my children were saved they became equals to me. Equals in the sense that we have been adopted into the same family of God. There is no difference at the foot of the cross. Adults don't "get in" first. We don't have special privileges. God looks at my saved children as equally righteous as me. That just knocks my socks off!

Sometimes I forget that we are in this together. I get a me vs them attitude and totally disregard the fact that we are actually on the same side. We are meant to be encouraging each other and praying for each other in our battle with sin, not warring against one another.

Now, this doesn't mean that I give the little squirts full reign of the house and sit back and pray that they don't set it on fire. I'm still their mother and we must still have a distinction between us but as far as sin goes there is no difference. Just because I am further along does not mean that my sin is lighter.

It helps my kids to know that we are in the same boat. It helps them to know that Mom is a sinner in need of a savior just as much as them. I hope that I am expressing that to them by asking them for forgiveness when I mess up. By asking them to pray for me. "Mommy is really struggling with her anger, please pray for me." I'm o.k. with showing my weakness to them. I mean really, what do I have to prove when I've just yelled at them?

So the next time I am quick to become angry at their sin I will do my best to remember where that sin is. It is nailed to the cross right next to mine.

Shut up... and be Quieted by His Love

2011-04-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

My little guy loves to pray. He's three so we don't always understand what he's saying but it's always cute. His prayer almost always consists of at least these three things. God, sin and the cross. This is what it sounds like, "Thank you for Gooooood, thank you for siiiiiiiiiiin, thank you for Jesus on da crooooooossssss. Amen"

One of the older kids pointed out the other night that he always says "thank you for sin." He does, and I like it.

Should we be thankful for sin?

If you had asked me that question yesterday I would have snarled and barked out a self loathing "no." I wasn't thankful for my sin. I was angry with the fact that I'm never going to get it right. I was trying harder to understand the gospel and the harder I tried, the more I sinned. Just when I think I get it I don't, then I try harder and completely miss the point.

When my little boy so innocently thanked the Lord for sin last night at bedtime I said a hardy "AMEN." Yes, I am thankful for my sin. If I had no sin I would have no need for a Savior. My sin draws me to His feet. My sin reminds me of how ugly my heart really is.

Now, my sin may show me all of the ugliness inside but it also shows me something greater. It shows me that I have a savior that unconditionally adores me. Even in my greatest of sin I am not a disappointment to Him. I gained righteousness in God's sight the moment that He called me to Himself.

He loves me through my sin. He's growing me. I will never get it so I must stop trying. I look at my performance and I see someone who is not only continuing to fail but someone that seems to be going backwards. He looks at my heart and rejoices. My heart is being sanctified even when all that shows on the outside is ugly and dumb. My steps backward are actually steps in the right direction. Steps that are freeing me to stop trying and to start resting.

Zephaniah 4:17 tells me "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Rejoicing in His love for me, meditating on what the gospel really means in my life. These are what I must rest in. This is where my part of the work of sanctification comes.

Today I will work. I will work at rejoicing in His love for me. When I find myself trying harder I will shut up, rest and be quieted by His love.

"Believing again and again the gospel of God’s free justifying grace everyday is the hard work we’re called to." Tullian Tchividjian

Resting in His love,
Kimm

Gospel Truths for When You Blow It

2011-04-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you blow it? Here are a few gospel truths that help me to get back to the right thinking when all I want to do is wallow in my sin.

-His kindness leads me to repentance. "Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" Romans 2:4

-He is not angry with me. "Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God." Romans 5:9

-He saved me when I was His enemy. "For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." Romans 5:10

-Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. "Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more..."Romans 5:20

-Sin is no longer my master. "For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace." Romans 6:14

-Nothing I do can separate me from His love. "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

-My sin has already been forgiven and nailed to the
cross. "And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross."

-God is greater than my heart. "By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20

-There is no more judgement against me. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Imperfectly Yours,
Kimm

Not Their Savior

2011-04-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

I struggle with loving my children at times.

I have one in particular child that I don't connect with real easily. It seems that there is nothing that I can do to cultivate a good relationship with her. Everything seems to be met with resistance even when I am trying to do something good. I often feel like I have failed because I can't get through to her. I know that's not the truth...it just feels like it.

This morning started like so many of my mornings with this little girl.
Waking up is not one of her favorite things.
Getting dressed is not one of her favorite things.
And if it's not her favorite thing then getting it done is a challenge.

Frustrated and feeling guilty over my lack of love for this child I began to try to figure out ways to fix our relationship. Maybe I should home school her next year and send the youngest to preschool. Certainly we would grow closer after being the only two in the house all day.
Either that or we'd kill each other.
I could make more of an effort to take her out with me when I shop or spend some extra time with her before bed. All of these are great and they may make a difference temporarily but ultimately it's not what she needs. She doesn't need more of me. She needs a Savior.

Back in my less grace filled years I read a book about keeping your child's heart.
I ate it up.
I did everything it told me to do.
I didn't put my kids in activities, I didn't let them watch tv unless it was educational, I pulled them out of Sunday School, I sheltered them from the world and didn't let anyone have any influence on their lives. That was for mom and dad. They were to be totally devoted to their family and love nothing else. REALLY?...REALLY?

I was so... I don't even have a word.

You see, as a sinner ruling my own little kingdom I want my little girl's heart all to myself. I want her to bow down and worship me and tell me how wonderful I am. I want to receive all the glory.

Let me tell ya, this little girl ain't goin' for it.

This is good.

As her mom I am not to be her idol. I am not the keeper of her heart, God is. It's not my job to save my kids. I can't do that. Why do I so often forget that Christ came to die for my kids as well?

While my little girl's heart is not turned towards me it is my prayer that her heart would be turned towards Him and that she would be captured by His love for her. It is my prayer that my heart would be turned towards Him and that I would be so grateful for His love for my blackened heart that I would love her more. I long to love this child the way that Christ loves me. A love full of grace. An unconditional love.

For now I will enjoy those rare moments when she lays her head on my chest while I read. I will watch her from a distance and enjoy the things that are easy to love about her, like the way she runs like Miss Piggy or the cute noise she makes when she drinks her milk.

I will look for God's work of grace in her life. I will pray. I will ask God to show himself to her, to capture her heart. I will ask God to help me to love her more. I will make feeble attempts at pointing her to the one true Savior and not to myself but knowing that my efforts are always tainted causes me to cling to Him, to watch and wait with hope.

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:25

Imperfectly Yours,
Kimm

Links for Looking

2011-04-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Here's where I have been clicking the past week. Enjoy!

LIGHT
If you liked my last post you'll find that Tullian says much more about our identity: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/04/06/our-new-and-exalted-identity/

LIFE
I tried this out this week and I might just join:
http://e-mealz.com/

LOVE
See what Greta has to say about real life romance at Lily and Brothers: http://lillyandthebrothers.blogspot.com/2011/03/real-life-romance.html

LAUGHS
Doesn't everyone get painted like a cat to take maternity photos?
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2011/03/28/the-mistoffelees/

LEARNING
The Women Discipling Women Conference in July is gonna be so good. Look for me at the book table.
http://wdwconference.com/index.php

I Like to Think I'm Special

2011-04-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Justin, the kids and I went out to lunch with some friends yesterday. These friends make me laugh. I can be myself around them. I like friends like that.

These friends are much older than us. Old enough to be our parents actually. As my ten year old pointed out "They're not old, they're normal." Old? No. Normal? Not so much. I wouldn't like them if they were.

I was encouraged by our visit and then along came Monday morning in it's usual way. A big slap in the face. You see, I sometimes get this little ugly black spot on my heart. It tells me that I need to be doing more and that what I do is not important.

Our friends happen to be in a place where the Lord is using them in amazing ways. This is good. People's lives are changed by what they do. In contrast my life seems so meaningless.

This morning as I pushed a ridiculously over sized shopping cart attached to a mini police car with two preschoolers driving through the store, I was complaining. As I wiped up the mess on the bathroom floor that my three year old made because he can't seem to get his shot right, I complained. As I unloaded the gazillion bags of groceries that would be consumned much too quickly, I was complaining.

I was unhappy and lacking joy this morning and so I started to search my heart. What was it that was making me so discontent? The Lord was good to provide me with an answer and not leave me to myself.

He showed me that I have a tendency to think that I am "too good" for these mundane tasks. I often think I should be doing something more important. After all I am special aren't I?

I then remembered my friend sharing a story about being at dinner with someone quite obnoxious. She shared how this woman was upset because her food was not hot enough and after becoming so livid she blurted out "Don't these people know who I am?"

In essence that is what I do. "Don't these kids know who I am? I am special and they are going to know it! I have gifts, dog gone it, and I'm going to use them!" Really? Listen to yourself Kimm.

Jesus was special.

Jesus had gifts.

Jesus humbled himself to wash the feet of those that should have been washing His.

Jesus humbled himself to the point of death on the cross.

Humbling myself by getting down on my hands and knees to wipe up the mess behind the toilet, serving my family by making sure we have food to eat. Doing the dirty work, serving behind the scenes. This is what He calls me to do. And I can find joy in where He has me because He loved me enough to serve and sacrifice for me that I want to do that for others.

Because of Christ's sacrifice I can joyfully clean up those messes.

Because of Christ's sacrifice I don't need to be special.

Because of Christ's sacrifice I can be content.

Twitter and Prayer

2011-04-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

A kind reader pointed out to me that I should make it possible for people to follow my blog on Twitter. Thank you kind reader :)

Funny thing is, I thought I had a Twitter button until I looked at my side bar. So anyways, I haven't been able to add the Twitter button because it is "experiencing technical difficulties" but if you are interested in following by Twitter you can find me under big_kimm. I also made it possible to follow by email.

I know you are all just so excited about this...really.

After you are over your Twitter excitement will you please do me an itty bitty favor? Well actually it's kind of big. Please pray for us Crandalls. Justin's dad has just been diagnosed with colon cancer. We know that the Lord is in this and we are thankful for his family's faith and trust in our sovereign God.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

Losing Control?

2011-03-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

Do you have times where you feel as if you are pouring your energy into trying to control your situation?

I do. And most likely you do as well. I'm pretty sure we all do. When you have a house full of little people that are trying to control you it's such a temptation to start grasping instead of letting go isn't it?

In my control freakish life I have learned that my need to feel in control is directly related to my trust in God. When I fail to trust that God is sovereign and is working in my life I get all tied up in knots and try to find ways to make things go the way "I" think they should.

I have recently picked up a book that was a friend to me in a very difficult time of my life. It's called Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety. It's been great to skim through, reading the high-lighted areas and questions and even complaints that I had written in the margin. As I was thumbing through the pages I came across a paragraph that had completely flipped my thoughts a few years back. It nailed my sinful thinking and the Lord used these words to minister to me in a huge way so I thought I'd share with you.

"You see, the desire to control people or circumstances is, at heart a trust problem. Hopefully it's not that we don't trust God for our initial salvation. Rather, it's that we don't trust Him to work things out for our good. We think that we have to do that. We find it almost impossible to let go of those things that are most dear to us: our children, our careers, our future. And so, when God brings a fish or a worm to get our attention, we automatically think that's because He is isn't able to control our circumstances or that He isn't happy with us." -Elyse Fitzpatrick

So my friends, when you find yourself "freaking out" in the midst of all the chaos and trying to control your situation, look at your heart. Ask Him to help you to trust what He is doing instead of trying to do it on your own. Let Him have that control that you desire so much and watch Him work.

Unscathed Grace

2011-03-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

As I rushed to the back door to see what all the screaming was about I saw my three year old swinging punches at his big sister. Immediately I came to the conclusion that he was angry again and lashing out because she was not doing what he wanted. After all he had already given her a lashing with his Indiana Jones whip earlier because she didn't want to play with him.

I opened the door and entered into the drama sending my son to my room for discipline. I was sure I knew what was going on. It was obvious, I saw him attacking my daughter and screaming at her.

As he headed towards my bedroom I turned to see him holding his knee and was simultaneously informed by my five year old that he had scraped his knee and she was just trying to comfort him.

The poor girl was so confused.

She didn't understand why he was so angry with her. She was trying to help and he was responding by hitting her. She amazed me with the amount of grace she gave her brother. He had just tried to take her out yet she continued to care for him and let the situation pass unscathed. Pretty amazing for this little girl.

After I took care of the situation, comforted him and talked through how he could handle it differently the next time I started to think about his actions. It brought to mind some times when others have lashed out at me in their hurt as well as some times that I have lashed out at others.
As adults our lashing is not normally in swinging punches and screaming nor is it triggered by skinned knees. No, we are way more mature. We use cutting words and are much more hurtful. We sometimes respond to emotional pain by taking it out on others.

It's easy to be hurt by the careless words of those we love. It's easy to justify our retaliation. What isn't easy is to show grace to those who have hurt us.

God's word tell us that we are to think the best of our brother or sister (Phil 4:8). It tells us that we are to forgive much just as we have been forgiven (Matthew 18:21-22). It calls us to love one another just as we have been loved (John 13:34).

How can we do this when are on the receiving end of hurt?

We can remember grace. Remember the undeserving grace that has been poured out upon us. Remember that while we were His enemy He died for us. Remember that the Lord loves to give grace to those that are hurting.

In light of the sacrificial blood that was shed on our behalf we can go forward and give grace as well. Thank you Jesus!

"Being involved with people is time consuming, messy, and complicated. From our point of view it is inefficient, but from God's point of view it is the best way to encourage growth in grace." Tim Lane/Paul Tripp in How People Change

In Case You Forget...Getting Back to the Gospel

2011-03-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Forgetting the gospel, forgetting who I am in Christ and feeling overwhelmed or discouraged happens often in my life and I bet you could say the same.

Staying encouraged and focused takes effort. Daily I must remind myself of what Christ has done for me, God's promises and who I am in Christ. This is fighting the battle. Constant preaching to myself and constant clinging.

I've put together a list of truths that I refer back to from time to time to refocus. I hope that they encourage your heart and spur you on today.

*Got the Morning Blues? by Justin Taylor...a great resource to print and hang on your mirror so you can read it in the morning.

*I'm Addicted by Tullian Tchividjian...I've found myself finding so many things in my day that I can say Because Jesus...about since reading this.

*The 21 Most Important Things to Remember in 2011 preached by John Sales written down by yours truly...a good resource for fighting that identity amnesia that often robs us of our joy in Christ.

What is it that you struggle with most often? What helps you to get pointed back to the gospel?

Let's Get Real Here People

2011-03-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

Real people.

I love people who are real.

I love people who are free.

It's something I'm trying to live out and the gospel frees me to do so. I strive to be real with God, myself and others often failing out of my own insecurities. Confessing sin without the worry of what others think. That's why I share with you the nitty gritty of my day. The good and the bad. How I've yelled at my kids or eaten a cheerio off of my toddlers shirt.

The only way that I can do this is because of Christ. I have no need to be perfect in the sight of others or myself because, "For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." Hebrews 10:14

No Shame in Confession

I was talking with another mom from school. I don't know her well but I do know that she is saved and I know she has four kids so we have some common blessings and some common challenges. She had asked me if I had signed the "blue paper" that stated that my kids would be returning to the school in the fall. I replied "yes" with a hesitant laugh and continued to share with her what had happened the day that the "blue paper" was sent home.

I told her the irony of how that paper was handed to me just minutes after I had become angry with my kids and threatened to pull them out of school and home school them.

There was no real reason for this. I love the school. My kids are thriving there.
I was just annoyed and I knew that those words would be hurtful just as they were when I was homeschooling them and would threaten to put them in school.

I had sinned against them and quite honestly now that I think about it I don't recall repenting of that and asking for their forgiveness. I guess I have some talking to do today.

Do you know what happened when I shared my sin with this woman that I hardly know? Her eyes lit up, she leaned forward and she said, "I am so glad that you just told me that. I have said that before to my daughter and thought that I must be the only one."

No Uncommon Sin

I think most of us feel the same as this mom.

I know I do at times.

We feel that we are the only ones. We have this idea that everyone else is doing so much better than we are. That they don't struggle with the same sin or have the same doubts.

The Bible tells us that:

*There is no temptation that is not common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13).

*We are to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16).

*Most importantly, we are free. There is no guilt, no condemnation. He has nailed it to the cross (Colossians 13-14).

The gospel frees us to be real with one another. It frees us to admit that we really aren't as great as we think we are. It frees us to not worry about what others think.

Because of Christ I have no need to impress, no need to prove myself or find approval.

Because of Christ I can be real.

Play Dough, Pop Beads And The Guilt Within

2011-03-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

*Another recycled post from last year

It's been three days now that my biggest two have had the flu. Oh yeah, and two days that Justin has been sick in bed. Things are getting better and the Lord gave me much grace yesterday after having been up until 4:00am the night before.

The kids, and Justin are on the mend and all is right with the world, or so I like to think.

I called my good friend, whom also has four kids who are all down with the same flu, to see how they were holding up. She sounded sleepy and in the background I could hear some nasty coughing. I asked if I had woken her and she said no that they were just cuddling on the couch listening to "Your Story Hour."

That's where the guilt came in.

Bam!

It came fast and I started down that road of destructive thinking. "If you were a good mom you would have given the kids more attention today instead of turning on the t.v., if you were a better mom you would have engaged them in a game or drawn pictures with them or had them write thank you cards."

I concluded that I must not be a good mom because I had let them watch t.v. all day, I had left the play dough out on the table to dry up so I could just toss it out and I had let the dog eat the pop beads that have found their way ALL OVER my house.

I'm talking serious overactive guilt glands here people.

I had to take a step back and stop making excuses of why I wasn't doing the things that I thought a "good mom" like my friend should be doing. I know that my friend was letting her kids watch t.v. too but saying that doesn't mean anything. It's just a way for me to find self approval. A way of me saying I'm really not that bad. As if letting my kids watch t.v. was such a bad thing that I even needed to justify myself.

Ugh...

Here's the sin in all of this. I was feeling guilty because I was looking for self approval. Wanting to be that Supermom that I know does not exist.

The fact is, is that I don't need to approve of myself and I don't need the approval of others because I have God's approval. I have Christ's perfect record so that I don't have to be perfect.

So when I throw away the play dough or suck up the pop beads in the vacuum I can remember that I don't have to be a Supermom. Christ came to be that Supermom for me.

You know what I mean.

"For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." Hebrews 10:14

Interruptions or Opportunities?

2011-03-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

"I don't have time for this."

It didn't come out of my mouth but those were the words spoken in my head as my biggest wanted to share her grief over the way the other two fourth grade girls were acting towards her. I wanted to tell her we'd discuss it later and that right now she just needed to get the horse fed and get in the car so that we wouldn't be late for school.

The Lord was merciful.

I stopped myself realizing the opportunity I had once again to point her to Christ. A gift that I could send her off on her day with, something that I never had as a child.

I knew her heart was heavy. After all she only has two other girls in her fourth grade class of four. I didn't want to tell her to ignore it and stuff it down. I've already taught her how to do that. I needed to take a moment and listen. God has put me in her life to minister to her and encourage her. This wasn't an interruption it was an opportunity.

Our actual talk only lasted about two minutes and I'm not sure how helpful it was in her life but it did something for me. It confirmed something that the Lord has been working on in my heart.

Life as an Interruption

I didn't even realize I was doing it. In the business of life and in the midst of trying to meet the needs of my family I was chanting in my head, "I don't have time for this."

I mean really, who has planned for and added to their google calender this week all of the times they will be interrupted. As much as we like the control of a well planned day our days are not our own. And the more people you are caring for the less control you have.

Interruption is my life. It's where I am called to serve.

This morning I woke up with a cold and immediately thought, "I don't have time to be sick again. This is not what I had planned." Then I walked out of my bedroom to see that the dog had peed on the girls' carpet. Again came the "I don't have time for this." As I instructed my littlest to go get dressed he informed me that he forgot to put a pull-up on before bed and was now soaked. "I don't have time to clean him up and wash all of his bedding."

On a morning like this I would have normally skipped straight to being overwhelmed but today was different. I had a different perspective. I dealt with each interruption as it came looking at them as what "I do". It's life and it shouldn't be a surprise.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

You see, I had learned a lesson earlier this week over spilled milk.

We had rushed home from baseball practice to get dinner on so that I could feed the kids before a hair appointment that I had scheduled. I was digging around in the back of the fridge to find something. In Kimm fashion I was balancing an unopened gallon of milk with my forearm as I tried to pull something from behind it. Well you can probably guess what happened next. The milk dropped, hit the edge of the fridge and split in half. A whole gallon of milk poured down the front of my pants, soaking my shoes and and ran under the refrigerator looking like this:

Yes, I stopped and took a picture. I'm a weirdo.

Now this kind of "interruption" would have normally sent me into a tailspin of beating myself up for being careless or feeling sorry for myself because I was trying to do the right thing and it all fell apart. I would have question God's kindness. I would have been grumpy and impatient with the child who was more interested in the bouncy ball that was found under the fridge when I moved it then she was in helping me. Out of God's kindness He gently led me through a lesson showing me something very important.

As I stood there in my underwear with my phone in hand taking pictures I paused. I thought about the situation and realized that really it wouldn't be the end of the world if the kids didn't get fed before I left or if I was late to my appointment. This interruption was ordained by God. For whatever reason this is what He had planned to happen with this gallon of milk.

So I calmly asked my daughter to go find me some shorts to put on and I went to work. It was a big job but it got done. I wasn't stressed. I wasn't worried. I just did it because that is what I needed to do. The Lord gave me much grace and the kids were fed before I had to leave. I could have worried and stressed and complained and the outcome would have still been the same. It felt good to be calm. I felt the Lord working.

So as I have pondered this week about interruptions I've been shown that my life is really just a long string of interruptions. My days are one opportunity after another to serve, to humble myself, to speak wisdom and to love those around me.

My Unsolicited Advice for Today:

As you go about your day you can look to Christ in each interruption. Look to see how He is working in your life and those around you. Let's lift our heads and stop trudging forward with our own plans being surprised when the Lord brings opportunities along. Remember that each interruption has been brought into your life for a purpose out of His loving kindness to help you to minister to others and to help you to grow.

When you have those days that you are so overwhelmed by the load and you don't feel that you can dig yourself out, lean into Him. He is there in each blow-out, each spit-up, each scraped knee that pulls you away. If you are His you can be sure that you are glorifying Him in what you do no matter how ungracefully it may be done.

Because of Christ you can turn interruptions into opportunities.

Because of Christ you are free to serve out of love.

Because of Christ you don't have to be overwhelmed.

Nothing to Give Them but Jesus

2011-03-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've always had the temptation to think that my parenting is making or breaking my kids. I know, pretty prideful of me to think I have that much power.

Actually it's quite sad. Sad to think that I can carry that unnecessary weight around.

When they were all very little things were black and white.

Don't touch.
Come here.
Stop biting.
Take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister!

You know...the goal was to get through the day without losing someone or having an eye get poked out. Discipline was more black and white as well. You do "this" and you will receive "this" consequence. It all seems so easy when I look back, but it wasn't. I know that because I still have two preschoolers in the house.

As I have moved out of the black and white stage with my older two I have been tempted to fear. I find myself frustrated when I can't figure out how to get through to them, when I can't see their heart.

I find myself doubting, falling into despair a millisecond after a conversation that doesn't go well. But you know what? I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that there is no method, I'm thankful for the vagueness. As much as it drives me crazy to not have a list to check off to see if I'm doing it right, I am thankful.

Christ is using my children in my life to draw me closer to Him. To see my need for wisdom, my constant prayer these days.

As I have grown in my understanding and love of the gospel I see how much my parenting is not going to make or break my children. How much my striving to do things perfectly is a waste of time. How Jesus is the only thing that I have to offer them.

Because of Christ I don't have to get this right.

Because of Christ I don't have to be the perfect parent.

Because of Christ I can enjoy my children and rest in the fact that He is working in their lives.

"You cannot raise good kids, because you aren't a good parent. There's only one good Parent and one good Son. Together, this Father and Son accomplished everything that needed to be done to rescue us and our children from certain destruction." Jessica Thompson/Elyse Fitzpatrick

Sin Provoking Joy Robbers and What To Do With Them

2011-03-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

*A recycled post from sometime last year.*

It was one of those mornings... Justin was gone, my six year old and nine year old woke up sick, my two year old woke up cranky from a late night and my four year old just wanted to sit on me. I stuck my older two in my bed and turned on Fraggle Rock but they didn't want me to leave. "Ugh, how am I supposed to fix breakfast for the other two?" I grumbled. I could feel the tension rising up in this control freak person of mine. Things were quickly unraveling and it wasn't even 8:00am yet. I was losing control of my day already!

"Cereal! Cereal!" called my two year old from the kitchen, "Mom!" called one of the kids from my bed down the hall. Ugh!!! Calgone take me away!!!!

Quickly I began the thought process that only leads to despair in moments like these. "These kids are so needy! Why can't I just love them right now? Why did I have four kids? I should have gotten up and showered before they woke up, then I'd be in control." As I started down this path I became more and more discouraged. Then, as if things weren't already crazy, the dog pooped on the floor and my two year old wet his pants!

That was it!

It's moments like these that us moms seem to get paralyzed. Maybe it's fear or maybe it's just not knowing which direction to go in and which child to help first. So as I grasped for that much needed control over my day I began praying, "Lord give me grace!"

I was getting snappy.
I was angry at the dog.
I was angry at my children.

So what did I do? I tried to remember advice that I'd been given to "do the next thing". I was trying to do the next thing but that's not what I needed to hear. Nor did I need to be told to change my attitude and be thankful for the four children that I have because there are women out there not even able to have kids (at this point I was ready to call those women and start passing mine out to them).

Anyways, I moved forward and cleaned up the dog poop and got her out of the picture by kicking her out of the house. Then I put a diaper on the two year old. This was not the day to be potty training. I went and prayed with the kids in bed and asked for healing and comfort. I did all the right things, right? So why was my two year old still whining and crying about every little thing and my four year old asking me what we are doing today and another kid is yelling for toast? And the dog scratching at the door?

Doing the next thing only keeps you in survival mode but does it give you peace? Does it give you strength? It was then, even before then, that I should have given it all up and thrown my hands in the air and said "I can't Lord, but you can!".

That's what I should have done but instead I continued on my quest for control by doing something that I could gain self approval over.

I made chore charts!

Yes chore charts, right there in the middle of all the chaos I added more stress and started a project. What the heck was I thinking? I was thinking that I wanted to get out of that uncontrolled situation and do something that I could control, so I did it.

Then I vacuumed. What? Is this really the time to be vacuuming? I hadn't even fed the animals. As I went about on my control quest I ignored the screaming, the calling and the questions pretending that the noise of the vacuum was too loud for me to hear them. I started thinking, "these kids are little sin provokers aren't they? They made me get angry, it's all their fault that I'm sinning right now. Wait, they are robbing my joy too! Now I'm really mad! Those little sin provoking, joy robbers!". Wow, really? Is this really what I think of them. No, but it felt really good to be telling myself that at the moment.

What was my sin here? It was more than anger it was unbelief. In that moment I was not believing that My God who is sovereign over everything was sovereign over my home and my children and my day. Sure he's sovereign over the big stuff but do I really believe he is in control of the little stuff? There's that word control again. The fact is, is that I don't want Him to be in control at times. I want to do it myself! I want to approve of myself, make ME proud! So you see how unbelief is tied up in my bad morning?

Well needless to say I came to repentance over my sin and put the vacuum away and played with my little guy for a bit and things started to settle down. Once I realized that God had put these little sin provoking joy robbers in my life for my good. I could see that they were just instruments that He was using to show me my sin and that they are not robbing me of my joy. It is because I am forgetting who I am in Christ that I am fighting for joy. My joy is not found in my children, it is in the strength of the Lord. He has shown me my sin and is restoring my heart. He loves me just as much as he did the day before when everything seemed so easy. No more, no less!

When we allow ourselves to slip into despair we either don’t believe that God is sovereign or we lose sight of His sovereignty in our lives. Any ability to do good is from Him and Him alone. He needs nothing from us to accomplish what He wills to be done.

He wants us to come to him as ragged, sleep deprived, messy haired moms holding a crying baby in one arm, a load of laundry in the other. A mom with a toddler hanging off our leg and two kids arguing over a pencil when they should be doing their school work. This is how he wants us. Totally stripped from all self reliance in our worst “Calgone take me away!” moments. That’s when he can work His magic.

That’s when we have gotten rid of every hurdle of self approval and pride that blocks us from fully receiving ever ounce of grace that he wishes to bestow on us. He loves us that much.

Is this how we think we should come to a HOLY, AWESOME God of whom we are supposed to have reverent fear of? Many times we are ashamed of the fact that we haven’t showered for three days and the baby spit up all over our shirt and all we bothered to do was turn it inside out. God does not work that way. He doesn’t care. He knows you ate that dried cheerio that was stuck to your toddler's shirt instead of throwing it away and He doesn't judge. Why not? He has given us Jesus. He sees us as Jesus. His perfect child. He loves us more than we could ever fathom. "For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies." Psalm 57:10

My unsolicited advice for today:

Remember who you are. Remember that no matter how badly you fail, if you are His, He wants to give you grace in time of need. Remember that those little sin provoking joy robbers were designed just for you. Your day was planned out according to His good and kind desire to cause you to grow.

To Sustain the Weary

2011-03-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

"The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary." Isaiah 50:11

We all need encouragement.

One of the reasons why God has designed for us to live in community is because we would not make it very long without the encouragement of others.

I am so blessed to be in relationship with an amazing group of women that know the importance of encouraging each other. Some of them are old enough to be my mother, some are younger. Some are at my church and some are continents away but they see that we are all one family all needing help from one another.

Over the past years the women in my life have prayed with me and encouraged me through everything from my health struggles to my spiritual struggles. They have spent time with my children, taken kids to the doctor's when I was too sick to leave the house, picked up prescriptions, fed my animals (including buying a mouse and feeding it to our snake!), laundered our clothes, helped me through a difficult MRI, cooked for me, shopped for me, cleaned for me, counseled me, home schooled my kids, called me on the phone to check in, emailed me, hugged me and just outright loved me. As I think of them I can not help but think of my Savior who has stirred each one of their hearts. Because of His love for them they have been willing to go forward and sacrifice their time and energy to love me.

I've struggled with being overwhelmed this week as my oldest has had the stomach flu again and my second oldest has been up with his typical croupy cough. I've been barely making it to the end of the day with a sore throat and sluggish body hoping and praying that I don't end up with either of the two things going around the house right now.

Last night I wrote an email asking my ladies to pray for me. Particularly for my heart at this time. I wasn't seeing straight and was feeling consumed by this small trial. I was thankful for the replies of encouragement and promises of prayer that I received but this morning, this morning when I was red eyed and frustrated, I received an email from my friend.
It made me cry.
I asked her if I could post it here so I can make you cry. So here it is:

Dear Friend,
I remember those days. I remember sleeping on the bathroom floor with both my kids. It is your phase of life...don't expect it to be any different. Yet, here is my "mommy hope" at the end of these days...these are the days that my kids remember most. When mom read them a book while they lay in bed, while mom held their hair back while they threw up, as I lay on the floor with them, as I stroked their hair back away from their face and prayed for them. Both my kids see those days as some of the best days with mom, because they really knew I was "there" for them. Now, you may not be doing the exact same thing, but the comfort of a mother is a lot like (in some strange physical sense) the love of the Father. They are needy children, and you are bringing them comfort, just by being near them. You are a good mom. I watch you. You are patient. You are loving. You let them hug and crawl all over you, when I know you are in pain. You sacrifice for your kids time and time again. You are pleasing to the Savior when you miss church and you stay home with your sick child. This is what He has designed you for...it is one of the reasons He will say, "Good and faithful servant, enter my rest".

So my friends, go and be encouraged and encourage others with what the Lord has done for you. We are all in need and not one of us can stand alone. Let us lift up the arms of those who are weak (Hebrews 12:12) and comfort those with the comfort we have received (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

Ever Ask Why?

2011-02-27T11:50:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning.
6:45am.
Laundering bedding from a sick child.

"Are you serious?" Is the initial thought that went through my head. And then came my complaining. "She just had the stomach flu two weeks ago. This is not fair. Now we'll have to miss church. What are you doing to us God?"

Do you ever do that?
Complain against God?

Much like an ill content Israelite I have sulked my morning away. I have asked the same, "Is the Lord among us or not?" that was grumbled against Moses (Exodus 17:1-7).

Funny thing is that all I'm dealing with is one sick ten year old. Really, is it that hard?

No, it really isn't that hard. Things really aren't that bad but this insy little trial has exposed my heart. It's showing me my unbelief. Unbelief that my Loving Father knows what is best.

As I write this post my three younger kids are playing outside. Actually they have been kicked out to play for an hour instead of indulging them with the television or video games that they desire so strongly. Needless to say, they are not happy. But like I told one of them, "I am your Mommy and I love you, so I send you outside to get fresh air and exercise. You may not like it but that's what I think is best for you right now."

My kids don't always understand why I do the things I do just like I don't always know what my Heavenly Father is doing for me. Granted that God has a perfect plan and sometimes my plan is pure selfishness but I think you get what I'm trying to say.

It takes trust to believe that He knows our frame. He knows what is best and always has our best interest in mind. It takes us giving up our right to always know what is going to happen next and why, allowing the Lord to freely guide us through this life and into the promised land.

Links of Love

2011-02-20T17:01:00.000-08:00

I have a few things that I really, really like.

Some of them are sentimental.

Some were steals from stores that I can't afford to shop at like my favorite coffee mug that I bought on clearance at Anthropologie. This morning I told Justin that I think I like to drink out of it because when I do I feel like I'm "stickin' it to the man."

Whatever that means...

Anyways, I've been online shopping alot since laying on the couch with my laptop has replaced just about anything productive in my home. Now when I say online shopping I mean that I go to my favorite sites and put a whole bunch of stuff into my online shopping cart and then when it comes time to pay for it I am too lazy to look up my paypal password or to go get my wallet for my credit card number. After that, my desire to acquire new things that I don't need has been fulfilled and everyone is happy. Justin sure married a winner!

SO I'd like to share a few places that I frequently visit, spending hundreds of dollars only to delete it all and go to bed satisfied.

Lisa Leonard designs is where my thoughtful husband purchased that really cool necklace that I wear and I know you are all in love with. It looks like this but with my own kids' names on it...duh. It's the most expensive piece of jewelry I own and I wear it almost every day.

I also frequent Ruche. I think I found it one day while googling "Anthropologie knock-offs". You probably can't picture me in these clothes and that's because I don't actually have any items from there. I usually find a few cute things and then decide that none of them would actually fit my 6'2" frame. Someday I'll buy a dress from there and wear it as a shirt. I do that sometimes. Ya do what ya can.

And I'll just give you one more link because you probably have a toddler chewing on the cords under your desk by now and a baby in a headlock trying to get out of your arms because she is done nursing. I'm proud of you for making it this far. It's a skill.

Red Letter Words. Love it. I especially love what she featured on her blog recently. I'm going to do it. I really am. Really. Check back on that one.

Is God Surprised?

2011-02-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was redeemed. The snake was found, the puking commenced and the older kids made it through an entire day of school. Justin has crawled out of bed to work from his home office in his pajamas.

That sounds like progress if you ask me! Maybe...but now the five and under crowd are down and we are missing my oldest's basketball tourney. So much for moving on.

My attitude stinks at best and I have felt far from God. I have lacked gentleness with my family to say the least. There's nothing like a house of sick people to bring out a cesspool of selfishness and I feel like the goal around here for everyone has been to claw their way to the top.

Now that I'm a little more rested and clear headed I'm looking and listening. Trying to hear what God wants to teach me through this.

One of the things that I struggle with every time illness hits us, or anything challenging for that matter, is control. I'm a control freak. You may not see it on the outside. I'm not one of those loud mom's bossing everyone around telling them exactly how things should be done. No, I'm more internal than that. I sneak around trying to find ways to change things. I get busy juicing or cooking really healthy food, I declare television and video games as evil, I scrub and disinfect and then fall apart because none of it is doing any good.

It usually takes me a while but after I realize what I am doing I submit to Him who knows what's best. I stop trying to boss God and start listening and waiting. Resting in Him, leaning into His merciful arms.

You see, He is not at all surprised that in my weakness I am going to try to take control. He knows that about me and He STILL loves me. He isn't impatiently tapping His toe disgusted with my actions and waiting for me to get my act together. No, He loves me just the way I am.

I have to admit that even after blogging this I'm not quite there. I'm still looking for ways to make this all stop and go in MY direction but because I have been here so many times I am not fearful that I am lost. I feel His hand firmly on my shoulder not letting go and walking me through each challenging day. I will continue to seek His counsel and ask Him to change my heart in my weakness.

"I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure" Psalm 16:7-9

Dear friends, when you are in the midst of a life's challenges you may be tempted to run, lash out or take control. If you are anything like me you will forget that God loves you and feel sorry for yourself.

Remember who's hand that is on your shoulder. (Isaiah 41:3). Remind yourself that if He loved you so much to suffer the agonizing cross He will certainly love you through this (Hebrews 12:2). Remember that if you are His child He is for you and there is nothing that you can do to change that (Romans 8:28, 37-39). And most of all remember that you are loved. (Zephaniah 3:17).